Know My Anxious Thoughts.

Facebook

2010-12-28T11:58:00.000-08:00

Facebook

It is so fun to observe people on Facebook. My husband thinks people should not publish their dirty laundry on FB. That is not the place. I agree. But, it is so fun to observe and realize so much about people just by their statuses.

On the one hand you have the practical ones. “Grocery shopping today, kid’s hair cut, games, vacations, etc.” Does anybody really care that much what others are going to do today? Probably not. I think it is more for the one writing the status to gather their thoughts and feel accompanied.

Then there are the Bible scholars. Scriptures fill most of their statuses and many (not all) feel justified for using such a mundane tool like FB because after all they are preaching the Gospel, thus not wasting time.

Others, again just my observation, are crying for attention. “Me, me, look at me!!!” They feel disconnected, left out, alone, and hope that FB will be their ticket to happiness.

Then there are the encouragers. Always a positive note, you can read a smile behind every statement they make, and they help people feel better just about anything others are going through. They are the ones that usually get more comments along with the jokers- if you are funny you’ll get a crowd.

There are the needies; They have so many needs that take many daily statuses to display the horrors of life. Victims of fate try to get the attention of the rescuers and they connect in their own way. It is almost therapeutic how that works along with the ‘insecures’ who cry out for someone to convey that they are OK, no matter what, you are loved. They seek reassurance and fish for belonging.

Then you have the thinkers. They philosophize and try to fix mankind issues in one liner. They quote clever proverbs, biblical or not, they show their wisdom through their status. Nothing ever becomes too personal, thus avoiding the whole emotional realm; too scary to display.

Ah! The complainers! FB is their place to show their dissatisfaction in many venues: political, life, TV shows, relational. The world should run a certain way only and they display the how. They could be the next candidate for president.

I believe an observer can do a whole psychological analysis on people by just reading statutes. The question is: How much of it is true? We all act differently when we know we are being observed, or in this case, read. Because we are not face to face it may be easier to be a bit more transparent or cry out for help. People complain about FB but they faithfully stay. Is FB adding some small element of companionship when life gets so busy that we just don’t see each other face to face that much?

I admit I do feel some connection when I hear about births, deaths, pro-life bills that passed, etc. through face book. It is almost like my news channel about people that I know. Some I know better than others; a few in my friends list I have no clue who they are. But FB friends we are. I think face book is good for introverts and extroverts as well for different reasons. I am by nature an introvert. I like people, just not too many at any one time. I do better one on one or small groups. I do fine with large groups as long as I am teaching something. So FB helps me to keep in touch at a comfortable pace.

For an extrovert, those with 300+ friends list, it is pure joy to hear, see, talk, and connect with as many people as possible in the virtual and the real world, for that moment. They forget you the minute you are not in their presence or in their page, but they come back as soon as they see you again.

There are the lurkers and the upfront facebookers. The lurkers navigate to statuses and ppl’s pages in the dark; never acknowledging their presence. So you know, there is an app now that one can find out who visits your page, so watch out! The up-fronters leave comments to everyone they visit as if they were sharing a virtual cup of tea.

Lastly, there is the dilemma of “Why hasn’t she/he accepted me as their friend? It’s been a week since I sent the request”. This opens a can of worms with emotions raging from neediness and rejection, all the way to anger, bargaining to finally acceptance. Then, it is the issue of “Why have they blocked me or removed me as their friend? What have I done to them? Have I said anything offensive? Oh, who needs them after all?”

After analyzing my take on FB with all its pros and cons I have decided that I like it as long as I keep it to my level of comfort and don’t make too much of it. I have found the best part of FB for me is to have been able to reunite with so many long lost old friends and family that it makes the rest worth it and fun. What is the best or worst part of FB for you? Well, I got to go now and check on you!

Helen Bratko and Kelly Near-Allen like this..

Silvia Lakoduk FYI, I have a bit of many of these traits.

December 11 at 1:25pm ·Sara Olson Did you write this? Interesting!

December 11 at 1:45pm ·Helen Bratko Cute article Silvia. I like hearing mundane things, except the ones that say "going to bed" or something equally uninteresting, ok who cares?
I don't take things personally on FB, but I can sometimes get envious of people going on exotic va...cations.
I LOVE FB and spend probably an hour a day on it. I love being in touch with friends and reading blogs.See More

December 11 at 1:55pm Sara Olson Yes, I love being able to stay in touch with all my friends all over the place. FB just makes me feel like we know what one another is doing even though we're all so far apart.

December 11 at 2:01pm .Silvia Lakoduk Thanks Helen, I agree. Sara, I wrote it and that is my favorite part of FB. I recently found someone I haven't heard from for about 35 years.

December 11 at 3:05pm ·Helen Tsang Mundane things are fine with me, too. It's a way to stay in touch with your friends, letting them know the little bitty things in your life. I think your article pretty much sums up all the FB personalities.

December 12 at 1:34am .Silvia Lakoduk Helen, about ... 2, 3 years ago I wouldn't had seen a picture of your cake and cookies all the way from HK if we didn't have FB and blogs :) I am so glad I can follow parts of your life from the other side of the world. My kids think it's so funny I had to have a coin and find a public phone growing up.

December 12 at 9:20am .Silvia Lakoduk Another thing I should add about FB is the opportunity to pray for other's needs.

December 12 at 9:22am .Helen Tsang I agree. FB has made moving thousands of miles away bearable. It really is an amazing concept.

New Life

2010-05-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

New life brings lots of happiness, expectations, responsibilities, as well as concerns and feelings of inadequacy.

When Josiah was born seventeen years ago, I was tired. I already had a 31/2 year old daughter and a two year old boy. Josiah completed our family and proved himself capable of keeping up with our fast family pace. He seemed to always be striving to keep up, even when it would have been alright to be slower due to his less time on this earth; but Josiah had this uncanny thrive to speed up with his siblings.

He still does. Maybe because of being the third child, we felt more confident letting him try things sooner. Or maybe because he proved himself trustworthy and able. I love Josiah's heart. He is solid, empathic, kind, loving, caring, and the list goes on. He is my baby and forever will be.

We picked his name from King Josiah in the Old Testament; he acts like a King sometimes, but Josiah was an upright King before the Lord and we prayed that our Josiah would be upright before his Lord.

We moved to Idaho when Josiah was 2 months old, so he didn't remeber California-although he is a native born at Kaiser Santa Teresa - and he used to think he was from Idaho. Even though he was born in San
Jose, we lived in Marina, Monterey at the time. Long story. Josiah was 5 years old when we came back and settled in San Jose. He used to complain about not having snow in the winters, and not being able to go sledding a block away from our house.

Josiah adapts beautifully to changes and doesn't complain. He is as loyal as they come and he is a very good judge of character. He senses the "feel" of a room and adapts accordingly.

I pray God's best for Josiah. I pray his choices will match his Heavenly Father's choices. I pray for physical, emotional and spiritual health to Josiah forever.

I love you Josiah.
Mom

3-16

2010-03-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

Today is March 16, 2010.

In order to make sense out of what I am going to write, I need to explain a couple of things about myself. I am a Christian, what I would call a "practical" Christian. I have given my whole self to the Lord and have gone strong since 1985. However, I have a hard time with some Christians that are religious. Not to be confused with spiritual. I am not much into every other word having to say "If God leads, or lets me, or wills, or allows me." I feel that sometimes we show unnecessary fear. I see it like this: If my son asks me to take a class on Mondays and I say yes, it is settled. But when Monday comes around and he asks again and begs and pleads and does this EVERY MONDAY I would wonder what is wrong with him, wasting all this time and energy for something that it was already understood. Worse yet, if he couldn't get me on the phone and missed the class because he didn't hear my voice (again) approving his going there, then I would be upset with him and even think:"What is wrong, you had my permission!" I wonder if God sometimes thinks that about us-in a much nicer way than me-: "Didn't I tell you it is OK to go to the grocery store without having to ask Me (again)?"

That is how I view many instances when God has already set situations in motion since the beginning of time: "Be fruitful and multiply." He wasn't specific. If we want one child or ten I guess He would leave it up to us. "Go and subdue the earth and its living things". To me that means if you want to move, or change jobs, or read a certain book, or anything at all, we have the freedom, if you don't want to, you don't have to. God would approve it either way and would present us to the new life challenges whatever we do, wherever we go. I believe that's why He gifted us in certain areas. We can put all those ingredients together and make our own decision whithin His moral compass and pre-set boundaries, feeling free to exercise our God given mind, desires and emotions. It is safe to say that I don't see the devil under every rock and God on every move I make. I have the "Promised Land" but I will get there by going through the desert. Our daily battles are ours to fight, and yes, He is with us as we go.

Having said all these, I woke up this morning and a Facebook friend had in his status John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." I always liked this verse, it summarizes God so nicely. A few minutes later, in preparation to going to the bank to make a deposit, I wrote today's date, 3-16. Interesting. After I added up the deposit amount and less cash, the total was...$316.

If anything at all, these "coincidences" made me pause and contemplate this verse for a few minutes. There is so much power in those words, thank you Lord for giving us a way out of perishing to new life. I took this as a little gift to me, that as I travel my "practical" journey I can't forget He is supernatural and will remind me of it every so often. Thank you for that, my Lord.

Another Thought

2010-02-25T19:46:00.000-08:00

It is usually my familial kitchen table that inspires my writings. My thoughts, however, come and go all day long. I love to see people's eyes light up when they discover that they have choices about their thoughts. I find it reassuring that the mind is not a helpless mass of directionless neurons, unable to respond to commands. But controling our thoughts does not happen by accident.

Just as we train our muscles to go from flab to tight, or we train our spirit to go from darkness to light, we can train our mind to go from dread and despair to truth and reality. I said "truth and reality" because most of our dreadful thoughts are not based on truth, but fear. Overcoming fears is a great place to start receiving truth - truth about a situation or thought. Isolation makes our fears grow like mold on humid surfaces. Close relationships help us center when our minds decide to run wild. But the real work is to train ourselves to learn "to take every tought captive." This could be a constant minute by minute choice for some people. Some of us will do this by intaking truth through God's word daily. Others will first need repairing of the mind from past experiences before being able to accept truth. We are all in different places, but we are all the same: we all fall short of God's glory and are in need of a Savior.

Fear, despair, doubt, insecurity, self-destruction - all need to be taken captive and replaced with peace, rest, trust, confidence, and self-protection. God has secured a place for us, He has given us good instructions for dealing with our own battles. We are instructed to take up our cross daily.

The problem may come when I get tired and unwilling to take up my daily cross and instead, begin to question and doubt. I start to think too much, just like Eve when she was deceived after having had clear instructions directly from God as to what not to do. If she, so close to God, was deceived, what hope do I have? "Our Body Will Follow Our Thoughts," "We Are What We Think," "Self-Talk Is The Most Important Conversation We Have All Day," are just a few reminders that we are responsible to actively work on our thought process. Awareness, distraction, Scripture, deep breathing, relaxation, music, prayer, friends, are just a few examples to achieve this capture. So I declare today I will think about ..."whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-I will think about such things."

More Thoughts.

2010-01-25T11:01:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since my last post, and might as well been years that went by. Life changed since the holidays and I am going along practicing all the tools I have in my tool box. Although I don't like this road I am traveling I realize I could not have done it in the past. I feel equipped and grounded, loved and prepared. Since God's will is pretty much a mystery, I follow along hoping for the best, yet preparing for the worse.

I had a client one day tell me that she thought God's plans were like a sick joke; because He was in control, nobody knew the outcome. I was saddened and surprised at first by her belief. Then, I had to give it some thought. That's when I realized that faith is the glue that brings it all together. We either have it or not. Even with lots and lots of faith God will be God and will do what He had already planned. Even without faith He will do the same. So, does it matter what we do with it? Can we change God's plan and mind? I used to tell my kids: "Imagine a girl praying to marry this guy, and then two more girls praying to marry the same guy. Obviously God can't say yes to all three of them. Maybe one will get the guy, or none of them. Let's pretend one of the girls gets the guy. She will be praising the Lord and think great things about Him. At the very same time two other girls will be disappointed and unhappy. One of them may say she did not like the guy that much after all, and move on. The other girl may just say God is a joke and leave Him. "

It is not so much about what God does or does not. It is about how we receive it. He would have done it anyway. I believe He may grant us some prayers according to His will, but mainly it is about our commitment and devotion, believing and following even when the outcome is not what we wanted. He hasn't changed nor will He ever change. “He is the same today, yesterday, and forever.” We, on the other hand, change and become what we allow us to become.

Our faith will be tested, no doubt about that. It is easy to say I will follow Him forever when I am having a great moment in life. My friend just lost her 23 year old daughter to leukemia. To say she didn't struggle with her faith would be a lie, yet she is being refined and purified until the day she sees he daughter again.

We can jump out or stay in. The choice is ours. We may even wander off for a while, hopefully to realize that there is no better place than inside. To all my friends going through hard times I can honestly say: "I understand, hang in there, we will make it through together and hang on God, who, although we may not understand completely, knows what's best."

Another Milestone, Congratulations Christa!

2009-12-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my daughter's graduation from Cosmetology College. Once she takes the State license test she can begin working on her profession.

Christa is very creative, artistic and talented. Even since she was a little girl she loved to paint, draw and create. It was only natural that she would choose a career in that field.

About 17 years ago when Christa was about 3 years old we were driving somewhere and all of a sudden she asked: "Mommy is that Heaven or Hell?" As I turn my head somewhat surprised by her question, I noticed we had just past a cemetery. Her inquisitive young mind was already trying to understand the spiritual side of her, as we were cultivating it daily with bible stories, church, Sunday school and talks about our Lord.

My prayer for my kids was always first about their spiritual life and second about their career choices. Today I praise God because her choices have consistently been about her love for Jesus even when it cost her worldly prices. I have seen her wrestling with options that seemed right at the time but also knowing God had a better plan for her. Christa has been able to discern her own question about "Heaven and Hell" and has grown to trust her Savior to guide her. I am forever thankful to God for my little girl.

If anybody wonders what I responded to her cemetery question: "It's neither Heaven nor Hell, their bodies are there but their spirits are either with the Lord, or without Him."

Christian Meditation

2009-12-16T16:53:00.000-08:00

Joshua 1:6-9 (New International Version)

6 "Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Meditation on God's word yields the highest wisdom. On Psalm 119 there are several verses where the writer meditates on God's decrees, precepts and wonders.
Psalm 119:97-100 (New International Version)
97 Oh, how I love your law!
I meditate on it all day long.
98 Your commands make me wiser than my enemies,
for they are ever with me.
99 I have more insight than all my teachers,
for I meditate on your statutes.
100 I have more understanding than the elders,
for I obey your precepts.

Christian meditation is one of the better ways to receive insight of what God is trying to say in His word, making His followers wiser than their enemies. Meditation simply means focused thinking. I always say if we know how to worry we know how to meditate. But, the meditation needs to concentrate on His word, not the worries and cares of this world. I know when I spend time in His word I come out centered, understanding life more clearly. I feel a sense of peace and security that I lose as soon as I wonder off from Him. The pull from the world is very strong; God's voice is soft. I have to choose to be there listening to it, filling my heart with it.

Meditation is as ancient as cultures. Christian meditation is different from eastern meditation because Christian meditation focuses on God and His teachings; not on mantras. There is a part of us that receives better when we are in solitude, quiet, relaxed. Our spirit is uncluttered of the many competitors it has all day long. My peaceful mind is able to concentrate and internalize His precepts and decrees.

There are so many things to meditate about from the bible. We can meditate on His unfailing love:
Psalm 48:9 (New International Version)
9 Within your temple, O God,
we meditate on your unfailing love.

Or on His works,
Psalm 143:5 (New International Version)
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.

Or as mentioned above, on His decrees and precepts, on His word and His love for us.

There are many physical benefits from Christian meditation as well: it calms the racing mind, especially when there are compulsive thoughts taking over. It may help reduce blood pressure, and it calms anxiety by reducing cortisol and adrenaline release.

Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." We are what we think, self-talk is the most important conversation we have all day. I want to make those inner-talks about God and His love for me by meditating on His word.

To Think or Not to Think...

2009-12-13T00:02:00.000-08:00

When I think good, healthy thoughts, my brain creates new neuro-path ways instead of trailing the old well known road to negativity. Science tells me that, I teach it, I use it in my own life. This is true for all of us. However, it isn't that simple. It requires a complete, radical transformation of who I am at my core. It challenges my beliefs from birth and requires lots of work. And like anything worth pursuing, the payoffs are great.

I wish I could have a "delete" button and -voila'- I start fresh. Decades of negative thoughts, stress and anxiety, depression, self-doubt, self-criticism, perfectionism, victim/ worrier thinking, and more makes these thoughts familiar and comfortable. I don't fight the habit because it is what I know. One lady said: "I don't want to get out of Hell, I know the names of all the streets."

God even gives us Scriptures to dwell on that will help change the neuro- paths to where they need to be:

Philippians 4:6-8 (New King James Version)
6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Then why is it so hard to do? Why do I dwell on the bad thoughts instead of renewing my mind?

Partly because it is a default setting, I go there automatically; my sin nature takes me there with ease. To transform and renew my mind I need to make a conscious effort that requires diligence, will and work. It could be compared to working my muscles when I exercise. It takes work, for the most part it is not enjoyable, but once I begin noticing the rewards of my hard work, I find motivation and a desire to continue.

The good news is that I begin to create these new neuro- paths that help me bring my thoughts into captivity much faster that before. Dwelling on "What ifs" that most likely will never happen is not God's plan for my life. Trusting God means giving up trying to control everything, yet being good stewards of what is within my responsibility to manage. There's a big difference.

As I sit here contemplating life, I begin to recount Jesus' life. He had many reasons to feel sorry for Himself, but I doubt very much He did. I am sure He didn't go through life thinking how unfair His lot was. I wonder if He ever felt self-conscious when teaching, say, the sermon on the Mountain or the Parables. Did He ever worry Himself sick with feelings of inadequacy, or self-doubt, or drive Himself crazy with perfectionism or self-criticism? Did He ever feel like telling somebody off? How about road rage pushing other donkeys out of His way? He didn't even own a donkey, He walked everywhere he went and I am sure His cholesterol was fine; after all He got plenty of exercise and ate lots of fish. He spent time with the Father in regular basis, plus He loved people and had compassion for them. Even those who hated Him, falsely accused Him, even those who crucified and killed Him.

I am told to be more like Jesus as I walk the walk. What does that mean? I wonder what life would be if I got up in the morning and made a list of things I were to accomplish that had nothing to do with my own gain. What if my to do list was: 1. Go to Kaiser and visit three terminally ill patients, 2. Bring a meal to a sick friend, 3. Go Christmas shopping for homeless children, 4. Love your family regardless, 4. Expect nothing, 5. Love some more. Could I ever do this and not think about me, me, me, and my needs, and my wants, and my fitness, and my need for vacation, and the list goes on.

If -and that's the operative word- I was able to do that, would I be happier? Could it be that I am extremely self-preoccupied, self-absorbed, self-ish? It is a well known fact that in third world countries people have almost nothing yet they are happier. Need produces a bonding experience that removes "the have to have this to be happy" deception. I many times wonder if it would even be possible to ever experience His life to the fullest. Is suffering what helps me to become closer to my King?

As I write this blog, I am surrounded by sad situation after sad situation that is happening to Christians around me. Is it becoming an epidemic? Where does one go to not catch it? There is nowhere but back to Him. Is that what it will take to bring us back to Him?

I sound like Solomon in Ecclesiastes! I guess I am mourning with those who are mourning today.

As Jesus was a "man of many sorrows," so are we. Yet He promised "not to leave us nor forsake us." As I go through the valley of death He is walking along side with me. As I, in the physical realm, believe and internalize His many promises, and dwell on them, I begin to create new hopeful neuro- pathways in my brain that will help to bring together my body, mind and Spirit to be of one accord.

Sarai (last)

2009-12-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

Rest in Peace Sarai Moreno Britt (1986-2009)

Old Friend Reconnection.

2009-12-01T12:14:00.000-08:00

This past week-end has been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions triggered by sad and happy things taking place.

We went to Arizona for Thanksgiving to visit Everett's parents and on our way up we stopped to visit Sarai. We were not able to see her, but I visited with her mom for a short while. She is devastated to say the least, but has accepted the brutal reality of what it is soon to come. I am glad I saw her and very, very sad for what is happening.

In Arizona we had a great time; Everett's parents are the best cooks in the world and it was a great family time.

When we came back I reconnected with a friend whom I haven't heard of or seen for about 20 years. It took me right back to my youth and to the old group of friends that used to hang out together at the time. It took me to see what each one of them is doing today, some doing well, others not so well. Time is a weird thing. So it's our brain.

As I am writing this I am preparing for my Addiction and Recovery certification and just yesterday re-visited the difference between explicit and implicit memory. Explicit memory is the ability to recall some fact, information, or episode of life, in which you are aware that you are deliberately recalling the fact, information or episode. Implicit memories starts at birth (sometimes in-utero) and are the recorded feelings, sensations, and emotional experience associated with an event which are recalled automatically. It bypasses our pre-frontal cortex and goes straight to our limbic system, which is the "right now"part of the brain.

Certain memories, smells, feelings take us right back to being "there." When someone suffers from past trauma, one of the therapies applied is to help them recall the experience through the pre-frontal cortex having the person narrate the experience using the "thinking" part of the brain. This way it becomes a part of their life story, instead of being "felt" and re-lived and instantly being sent back to the experiential sensations of the limbic system. The hippocampus allows a memory to go from implicit to explicit.

All this to say that this weekend I went back to my past -triggered by an old friend- and it took me directly to the past bypassing my pre-frontal cortex. The memories don't have to be traumatic, but it is the traumatic ones that people need help overcoming. In a split second someone could be sent back to their horrible experience, whatever that may be, induced by a sound or scent. This is common with our soldiers suffering from PTSD.

We have all been transported to our past, so you know what I am talking about. Now you know what is going on with your brain as well. I find it fascinating.

My friend is doing great, married for 20 years, has two more kids and living in Costa Rica with his family.

Natural Remedies for Anxiety and Depression?

2009-11-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

I wonder how natural ways to help manage anxiety and depression are becoming well-known as scientific research improves on what causes the symptoms.

Is it fair to say that anxiety and depression could be the result of our fallen state? Our real self vs. our ideal self keep bumping into each other. We were created to be perfect and now we find ourselves in a imperfect world trying, to the best of our knowledge, to be perfect. But our imperfect minds don't know how to be perfect so we start judging ourselves and others, placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves, husband, kids, friends, family; telling ourselves that we should do this and that and be like so and so.

When we compare ourselves to others we lose because I compare my "true" self with your "front" self and I look bad. I don't know what is going through your head but I do know what is going through mine, and it isn't pretty. I have news for you, yours isn't pretty either!

Anyway, part of it is to realize that we are fellow strugglers, not super humans. Community brings reality to our expectations of all the "shoulds", "must" "ought", "have tos" that we place on ourselves and others. We need to go easy with one another and be kind and compassionate to ourselves.

Journaling is a great way to bring our thoughts captive. When one comes, I sit down and counter it with the truth of the situation and scripture. I compare it to how God really sees it vs. my distorted view. Once I understand it, I take action. I make a plan to make the situation better, I explain to myself that this is not true. I plan my finances, my kids education, my relationships, whatever brings the source of my discontent.

Taking action is a great depression- anxiety buster because we have a lot to do with our own happiness. Being connected to good friends is necessary to bring us back to center when we wander off. I am a firm believer on the power of small groups, support groups, any group that is open to share, not pretend everything is fine. Caution: it isn't that easy to find them, but when you do, it's a gift. Cloud and Townsend say "there is no healing in a vacuum." We need others.

Surrounding ourselves with scripture or short affirmations does wonders. Post-its all around your office, kitchen, bathroom mirror help to remember that the enemy comes to lie, steal and destroy us, but we are surrounded with truth.

These natural remedies for stress and anxiety and sometimes depression are found in the Bible.

I marvel that as science keeps advancing and finding "new" ways to cope, God had already said it in His Word. I would prescribe it once or twice daily for the rest of my life.

Anyone with depression should seek professional help as hormones, physical issues and/or clinical depression may be the cause among others.

Nice to Remember

2009-10-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

God is the Boss.

God would provide; we would depend

God would be in charge; we would yield

God was the judge; we would experience Life

God made the rules; we would obey

(From a book I'm reading)

Sarai (part II)

2009-10-24T18:15:00.000-07:00

In January 2008 I posted about Sarai's fight against cancer. (Please read it if you want the full story)

As life has it, Sarai had a bone marrow transplant from her brother, who was a perfect match, and there were high hopes of remission. She went back into a semi-normal life for a very short time. A few months. At one of her blood tests check-ups the doctors were surprised at how quickly the cancer had returned.

As they decided to go for a second transplant, her brother's blood was 100% in her veins, and they had the same DNA. Weird to think that. In fact someone told me they had to report this to the police just in case Sarai ever decided to go kill someone, her brother wouldn't be to blame; or vice-verse.

Doctors were having high expectations and her family was brimming with hope. I got an email last night that Sarai's cancer had returned, aggressively this time, and no much hope was the prognosis. All they would do now is chemo to keep her home for as long as the Lord decides.
Sarai is 23 years old.

Stories like these bring some perspective in my own life, and the silly things I may concern myself with. I can hardly imagine the pain they are going through. My prayers are with them, and needless to say I am quite sad at the bad news.

Blessings

2009-10-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

"The secret of contentment is the realization that life is a gift, not a right."

I wouldn't be writing this today if my Lord hadn't granted me another day.

I am blessed to have the family that God has given me.
I am blessed by the beautiful sunshine peeking through my window.
I am blessed by the soft music playing in the background.
I am blessed by the special people in my life.
I am blessed by my pets.
I am blessed by my -oh- so comfortable bed, and my warm house, and my car, and, and, and...

There is so much more. Why dwell on what I don't have? I will continue in this thankful mood for a while longer. It is relaxing physically and spiritually. What are you blessed by today?

Guilty Christian?

2009-09-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

Someone once said: "A Guilty Christian is an Oxymoron."

I like that. I agree too. Probably every Christian would agree. So why do we not believe it? Or at least, live as if we believe it?

Guilt is a nasty feeling and a very misunderstood one. It began as soon as Adam and Eve sinned, they felt separated from God, bringing for the first time the feeling of guilt and shame. Many Christians believe that if they feel very guilty after a sermon, God was speaking to them. Just because they felt guilty. So what happens the following week when they don't feel guilty? Who was God speaking to? Why not happiness, if I feel happy after a service God was speaking to me, or sadness, or anger. Why feeling guilty means God's voice? Because the word guilty gets confused with Godly sorrow or conviction.

God does not send guilty messages to us. Our feeling guilty is our own problem. The difference between Godly sorrow and guilt is that the latter is perceived from the self. Godly sorrow is perceived from the "others" point of view. When God or somebody "makes" me feel guilty, I am only seeing how I feel regardless of the other person. I want to feel good again. When I feel Godly sorrow, my attention goes to "how I make others feel." "Others" focused instead of "self" focused. Guilt takes us back to the Law. Godly sorrow brings repentance.

Thank you Jesus because you paid our debt once and for all!

The Tree vs. The Fruit

2009-09-19T11:48:00.000-07:00

We come into this world at a loss. We don't even have a chance to prove ourselves that we can obey God. Our forefathers Adam and Eve have already messed it up for us. So, we have a choice. Die in doom or be received by God through Jesus Christ, who chose to give His life on our behalf.

Now, to live in this physical life, we can say we all are under water. For the sake of this post, imagine a line; anything above it is God and sinlessness, anything below it it's us in our current condition, after the fall. All sinners, all under the same predicament. Some redeemed through Christ, some not.

To the redeemed, they are assured eternal life once they get there. However, they all have to go through the desert in this life before getting there. Wouldn't it be wonderful if by accepting God's gift of life we could just erase our past, forget our transgressions, be "perfect" until the day He calls us to be in His company forever?

Sadly enough, that is not how it happens. We are placed in this physical world and we have to learn how to navigate through it with His help. We forget sometimes that this is a partnership. God secured the promised land for the Israelites, but they were the ones that had to go and possess it, they had to fight the battles with their enemies, they had to be in the dessert for forty years, and be sick, and tired, and human.

As we go through this life we develop different issues depending on where life takes us. There is abuse, addiction, anger, doubt, lack of joy, you name it. Would it be fair to say, then, that sin -singular-separates us from God, and then they become our sins depending on our bent? The Sin of being severed from God grants us death. The problem is not the many sins mentioned above, those are the symptoms of a bigger problem: the tree.

A good, healthy tree produces good healthy fruit. A sick, unhealthy tree produces bad, unhealthy fruit. Connecting to God and others in this physical life in imperative to become a healthy tree that produces good fruit. Isolation, loneliness, hiding out, produces many of the sins we deal with today.

God calls us to connection and love from one another, weeping with those who weep and celebrating with those who rejoice. Lately, it seems that wherever I turn, there is a Christian marriage that is dissolving or has dissolved. Looking deeper into their lives, these people didn't confide in their brothers and sisters, but went at it alone. They separated themselves from the Jesus tree and became their own person, and their symptoms: anger, addiction, mistaken beliefs, perfectionism, etc. ruined their tree and it became sick.

As I navigate in this world full of sorrow I daily discover that people don't feel free to disclose themselves at their local churches because they are afraid to be condemned and brought back under the law, instead of freely be given grace to work through the symptoms before the tree dies. Help us Lord to stop killing the wounded. Let us hold on to the One who gives us grace and truth with love.

Happily Busy

2009-09-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

I love it when we start new classes. They are all made of different people and needs and personalities. I have always found people so interesting. It almost feels like a puzzle to me, trying to figure out what piece goes where to see the whole outcome.

It is even funner -is that a word?-when 3 out of the four classes are different topics; and, on top of that, 2 of them are back to back, on two different week days.

Feelings of exhilaration, doubt, joy, and exhaustion surround our first meeting. So much to talk, so much to learn from one another. I can't think of anything more therapeutic than groups meeting for a purpose. Perfect strangers one day become dear to my heart in a matter of weeks. Some of these people have followed us for more than 20 weeks and sadness is evident when we say our good-byes.

As I teach with my partner about stress, anxiety, fear, boundaries, changes that heal, and so much more than surfaces in our talks, I remember my own experience when I was on the receiving end and there were no groups like these I could go to. Isolation is prominent when people are broken or hurt. This should be the time to run to our churches and ask for help. But I find the opposite is true. Most people withdraw when disaster hits. Anonymity becomes survival. Lots of the people in out groups are leaders in distress. Leaders that need their tanks filled to go out to the world and keep ministering to their wounded. I witness the body of Christ in action as we help one another become whole, replenished, and ready to keep on going for His Kingdom.

I feel so privileged to partner with Him. He has been preparing me for many years to see this day. I have tremendous respect for His creation and He knows it. And, I am humbly aware that He does the work, I am simply an obedient vessel.

Last night we started teaching a stress management class, and a boundaries class immediately after that. Wednesday we will have another boundaries, and a changes that heal group. Can't wait!

Topics to "discuss" with God.

2009-08-25T09:27:00.001-07:00

I usually joke about a couple of things I will "discuss"with God about the way he made us.

I wish He would have given us a brain on-off switch. Would it not be wonderful to stop our thoughts at will instead of having to "take them captive" all the time?

I would also have liked to have a zipper in my tummy where I would open and close it at birth time. Seems a lot easier than having to push a baby out of a disproportionally small exit. I understand that the curse has some to do with this, but anyway, if I am going to dream, might as well dream big. Same for our throats, unzip, pop up a pill, zip, be done. I can't swallow pills in case you wonder.

I love free will, but sometimes I wish I were a robot like human being (is that an oxymoron?) I wouldn't know the difference, would I? So many decision would be done for me, and I would like them all.

On the free will-robotic topic, it would mean when I tell my children to do something, there wouldn't be any talk back whatsoever, ever, ever. People as well, they would all be on the same page..."Imagine all the people..." Ok, I'm scaring myself now.

I would like a screwdriver to unscrew my achy joints, lubricate, close, done until my next tune-up.

I would like gray hair to be a desirable thing, something that young girls can't wait to have.

I would like to be a robot like human with feelings. Good feelings, though. Forget sadness, anger, fear. Always content, happy, joyful, thankful (all the time), wise, wise, wiser.

I would like not to have to spend so much time on making a living, but have more time to enjoy God and His people.

I think I am describing a bit of Heaven on Earth in a very weird way.

Anyway, is there anything you would like to ask God about when you get to meet Him? In a weird way, not the usual "suffering in the world" stuff.

Thank God for Mentors.

2009-08-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

I love mentors and mentorees. I believe I need both: to be a mentor to others and to be mentored by someone with more experience than me.

I spent two days at CCN -Christian Communications Network- being fully equipped for hours on end to a point of brain overload. I felt I needed to unplug my brain and reboot. Thank goodness for taking notes otherwise I would have lost all that information somewhere in the corners of my brain. Wait, there are no corners in the brain, are there?

Anyway, I believe Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend are one of the wisest people I have met. The reason I feel that way is because they are not threatened or afraid to deal with broken humanity. The cross is vertical and horizontal. I believe we replenish and receive from God and He uses others to help the healing process. "There is no healing in a vacuum." They are, as I am, big on Jesus with skin on. The power of small groups and community is imperative to heal from wounds.

Sometimes these doctors are sadly misunderstood because they don't say God in every sentence. But, in my humble opinion, they are way more Godly that many I hear religiously using the Lord's name to keep other's opinions quiet. After all, how can anyone question "The Lord told me so," and not sound heretic?

I appreciate their ability to acknowledge our humanity AND teaching us HOW to live life and hopefully conquer parts of it. I left refreshed and ready to minister to my groups and clients in a more complete, compassionate way than ever. It never ceases to amaze me how one can feel so different and fed by having been instructed by a true servant of the Lord.

I was able to give Dr. Cloud two of my Relaxation God's Way CDs, and he seemed eager to listen to them. If you ever get the Solutions DVDs from August 18 and 19 you may see me in the audience. Their address is http://www.ccn.tv/

Lake Tahoe.

2009-08-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a few days away to bring me back to feeling centered. As I move away from everyday life I feel as if my daily struggles move away with it. I love vacations mainly because I love even more coming back home. I like my house in its messiness and all. I enjoy returning with a new perspective in life, realizing that my thoughts are clearer and brighter, my outlook in life more peaceful.

Lake Tahoe was fun. The "kids" loved jet-skiing as Everett and I watched them from shore wondering when did they get so big.

"Freedom of Speech"

2009-08-08T01:46:00.000-07:00

I will not be able to sleep until I type the happenings of this day as they remain fresh in my mind.

I was parking my van and I bumped the car behind me; all of a sudden, this person sitting at an outdoor bar sees me and starts yelling at me. After I checked the car and saw that no damage was done, I realized it was not his car, so I went in my office, afraid of him yelling profanities at me. I called the police and after they arrived, to my dismay, they began treating me as I if was some kind of delinquent. I was trying to explain how threatened by this man yelling f.....n b.... several times at me, when, very matter of fact, the officer who supposedly was there to "serve and protect" me replied:"It's called freedom of speech." Meaning the profanities.

I still cannot swallow that statement. It will not go down no matter how many glasses of water I have already consumed. I felt violated, probably more by this officer of the law than the drunk who actually insulted me. I immediately lost respect for these two officers and in so many words I let them know it. To me "freedom of speech" has a much higher meaning. It brings thoughts of founding fathers, liberty, justice and the pursuit of happiness. Not anybody calling profanities at will and protected by our policemen. To me that is a total misuse of a phrase that should bring pride and joy. But that is that.

They let the profane drunk go, and here I am still upset. I could not press charges unless he verbally threatened me. Profanity does not count, of course.

Today I discovered a couple of things about myself: I did not like the fact that they were questioning my word. I am used to being believed, and these two officers were treating me as if I was hiding something. I rest my case that no damage was done when no report was even filed and the owner of the car finally said the car was fine. Still, the fact that they were acting as if they did not believe me was very unsettling to me. Second, from a mediation point of view, the officers did not validate my feelings, and it showed by my lack of cooperation. After some time going back and forth we were getting no where. I kept bringing them to the profanities and their uncaring way of bringing "freedom of speech." Finally, one of them said: "I don't' like it, but that's how the law is." Just by simply saying "I don't like it," it made me feel that I may be talking to a human being behind that uniform after all. I think after that I became a bit more open to cooperate. That was what I needed to hear.

The validation of feelings really made me realize what an important step it is and to make sure I allot enough time for my clients to express their feeling before any healing is possible. I learned I cannot hurry that step, the same way I cannot hurry venting. Those are two very important steps we were taught in mediation training, among others. The officers were constantly interrupting any venting and there was no validation. Hmm, I wonder who is training these cops in conflict resolution?

The point is I was able to feel in my own flesh how crucial and important these two steps really are. I am definitely going to be spending more time validating people's feelings. Sometimes that is all it takes to diffuse an argument: to feel understood. I know that was what I wanted. It makes me wonder if their mother or wife were ever insulted as I was, if they would have told them: It's called "freedom of speech." Somehow, I don't think so.

Thoughts on Birth.

2009-07-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was pregnant with my first baby, Christa, I wanted to have a drug free experience at her birth. Everett and I joined this natural birthing class, and there we went learning the hee-hee-hoo, he-ho, heeeeeeee-hoooooooooo breathings depending on where I was in the labor intensity.

How fun it was pretending in my mind to have this baby; to prepare to, no matter what, have her without the aid of drugs. I would imagine myself happily breathing as I held my husband's hand and proudly enduring the pain of childbirth in a stoic and dignified portrait of womanhood.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The day came and as my contractions happened closer and closer, we headed to the Santa Teresa Kaiser hospital all the way from Monterey. That was the closest Kaiser at the time. My baby was in a hurry to be born and as Everett was speeding trying to get us there sooner than later, I began to realize that the pain with each contraction was becoming unbearable.

We were told that our first baby would be most likely coming to the world in a slow fashion, that we would have plenty of time to rest, eat and chat at the hospital. As the intensity of my pain got increasingly worse, I realized I had changed my mind and wanted as many drugs as possible.

After all, I was only in the beginning of my labor and it was already immeasurably painful. God wasn't kidding when He said it would be so in childbirth as part of the curse. I decided then and there that I couldn't take any stronger pain without screaming in a horror movie-like manner, and that I would politely request for pain medication as soon as I got to the hospital.

"What is taking soooo long???!!!!? I want to be there now!!!!"

"Almost there, hang on, let's do the breathing together...he-he-ho-heeee-hoooo- we are at the hospital!!"

My sweet hubby found a wheelchair for me and as the automatic doors opened I yelled as loud as I possibly could: "Drugggsssss, give me drugggsssss, anything you haveeeeeeeee, pleaseeeeeeeeee!!!!! I could almost feel Everett's big eyes behing me wondering what has gotten into "all naturelle" wifey, but this was my pain and I was done.

When the nurse was done checking me, she indicated that drugs were not an option because I was in transition and the baby was to be born right now, as they quickly wheeled me to the birthing room. Immediately my whole perception changed, my pain subsided the moment I realized this was as bad as it would get; not being at the beginning of labor as I thought I was, but at the very end. I braced myself to push and have this baby, the excitement of her soon coming blocking everything else.

The point I am trying to make is that as my perception of the situation changed so did my whole outlook. Same pain, however now bearable due to a change in my way of looking at it. Our thought process is highly dominated by our feelings and perceptions and by changing the way we think, we can change the way we feel.

By the way, after our sweet baby was born I informed Everett to enjoy her because she was the only child he was going to get (by me at least). Two boys later, I am glad I had all three drug free. What's childbirth without pain anyway?

The Element of Time.

2009-07-18T11:01:00.000-07:00

As I sit at my familial kitchen table with my computer in front of me, surrounded by lots of books, bills to be paid, laundry to be folded and the list goes on, I realize I am blessed. I have been alive long enough to know that contentment is possible largely due to the element of time.

I had a young wife explain to me all her disappointments about her marriage, of the things that were not present in their relationship; her heart was in the right place but her expectations were unrealistic because she hadn't had enough time to put her marriage to the test of time.

How would one know that a husband would give his life for his family or a wife would care for her ill husband when not enough time had passed.? The element of time is present on our day to day walk and choices. The bubbly passion of the first year continues to mature year after year, decade after decade, until one day one realizes that working with life, not against it, accepting one's lot in life regardless of it being good or bad is what brings peace and contentment to one's heart.

I have had a hard life when compared to someone raised in this beautiful country that has not experienced death at an early age or had not had strong financial difficulties. And I believe that because of my experiences I have come to accept life for what it is, content with the outcome and through the passing of time, I have learned that most of my frets never came to pass, that by worrying sick I wouldn't change the future, that when I look back I can see His hand in my life and I can trust Him. I learned to do my part in any situation and truly let go of what I could not change. Most importantly, I learned that by prayer and supplication, thanking God, I would truly receive His peace that surpasses all understanding.

Cultivating Mindfulness

2009-07-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

As I go through my day I periodically remind myself about cultivating mindfulness. I came to love the sound of those words and what they do for me. This is what I mean when I say "Cultivating Mindfulness:"

It is being in the present, moment by moment without trying to change it. Having a compassionate attitude toward oneself and others is part of mindfulness. Mindfulness can change the way one deals with fear and pain. As our practice gets better, we can learn to relax and stay present even when fear and pain move through the moment. It reminds me of "Be still and know that I am God." Through practice I am able to appreciate what I am doing now, allowing me to be physically and emotionally present with others and my surroundings. As I continue to be more aware, the natural consequence brings me to gratitude.

Having a grateful, thankful heart is one of the best antidotes for anxiety, fear, regret, envy, jealousy and the list goes on. One can't be thankful and envious at the same time. The same is true for anxiety and relaxation, is either one or the other. Thankfulness brings us closer to contentment. Our countenance reflects which one rules over us and sets the tone of our homes, our spouses and our children.

Journaling about the blessings in our lives, being aware of the things that bring gratitude and thankfulness to our heart will bring peace to our mind. "Be still and know that I am God." "Give thanks with a grateful heart, give thanks unto the Holy one, give thanks because He gave us Jesus Christ, His son."

Next time I have a pity party or I am envious about something I will remind myself to read my own post.

http://www.beinginhim.net/

Rats and Anxiety.

2009-07-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

I feel good when I tackle something and get it done. There is a sense of accomplishment when I learn something new and apply it. It gives me a feeling of control; like I am conquering and stretching my horizons.

Rats feel the same way. A study that was done a while ago, had anxiety induced rats housed separately. To make them anxious, they were given a small electric shock at different times, randomly. The poor rats were anxious most of the time because they never knew when and where this pain was coming from.

A few days later, a lever was added to one of the cages, and, in time, accidentally at first, whenever the rat pushed the lever, the shock would stop immediately. As the rodents began to internalize this knowledge, as soon as the first indication of a shock would start, they push the lever and the shock would stop on the spot. Their anxiety diminished tremendously, and happy rats were playing again.

Lastly, they placed the rats in another cage with a lever they could push at will, but it did nothing to stop the electric shock. The shock would stop on its own regardless of the action of pushing the lever or not. The result: the rats were happy and anxiety free.

This is just to say that when we (and rats) feel that we have a certain amount of control over a situation, even thought it is not doing anything to fix it, we feel less stressed. That small amount of control and power helps us reduce some of the cortisol production. Helplessness and hopelessness are one of the big stress producers. We as Christians have a double lever to our disposal, our intellect to apply truth to the stressful situation at hand, and a God that is bigger than any hopelessness we may have.

Meditation Part II (Read Part I first)

2009-07-01T12:30:00.001-07:00

There are 2 types of meditation:
Concentrative and non-concentrative. The concentrative brings attention to a mantra or word repetition. I don’t use this kind. The non-concentrative brings attention to the relaxation experience, where whatever thoughts, feelings, desires, physical sensations arise, you don’t judge them, or resist them in any way. It helps you uncloud your perception of yourself and your life.

Meditation training includes:
1. Right Attitude
2. Cultivating Mindfulness
3. Commitment and Self Discipline

1. Right Attitude
• Beginner’s Mind: It is perceiving something with the freshness you would bring to it if you were seeing it for the very first time. It is seeing and accepting things as they actually are in the present moment. It's being child-like.

• Non-Striving: Pretty much everything we do during the day is goal oriented. Meditation is one thing that is not. Meditation takes effort to practice, and its aim is to “just be.” You are not trying to relax or relieve stress. If you are stressed or anxious you don’t strive to get rid of these sensations, instead you simply observe them and be with them as best as you can, not resisting them.

• Acceptance: Acceptance is the opposite of striving. As you learn to simply be with whatever you experience in the moment, you cultivate acceptance. In meditation practice, acceptance develops as you learn to embrace each moment as it comes, without fighting it. In life, acceptance does not mean that you resign yourself to the way things are and cease trying to change and grow. Acceptance can clear a space in your life to reflect and act appropriately. You free up energy to ACT when you are no longer REACTING to or struggling with the difficulty. Sometimes it is necessary to go through different emotional reactions around a problem before you can get to acceptance..

• Letting Go: You probably heard that to catch monkeys a hole is drilled in a coconut just big enough for the monkey to put his hand in. The coconut is tied to a tree by a wire. Then a banana is placed inside the coconut. The monkey comes, puts his hand in the coconut and grubs the banana. The hole is small enough so the monkey can out his hand in but cannot pull his closed fist out. All the monkey needs to do to be free is to let go of the banana, yet most monkeys won’t let go. Our minds are often like the monkey. We grab on to a particular thought or emotional state and we won’t let go. Cultivating the ability to let go is crucial to meditation practice, not to mention a less anxious life. Letting go is a natural consequence of a willingness to accept things as they are.

2. Cultivating Mindfulness:
Mindfulness is being in the present, moment to moment awareness. It is paying attention without judgment to whatever comes up in the present moment of your experience, without trying to change it. Having a compassionate attitude toward yourself is a part of mindfulness. Mindfulness can change the way you deal with fear and pain. As your practice gets better, you can learn to relax and stay present even when fear and pain move through the present moment.

3. Commitment and Self-Discipline: A strong commitment to work on yourself, along with the discipline to persevere and follow through with the process, is essential to meditation. Learning to make time “just for being” and not doing is a challenge sometimes. It is a similar commitment to exercise. A long term commitment to regular meditation will transform your life. It will change the way you relate to everything you experience in life on a deep level. I have been practicing relaxation and meditation regularly for many years now, and I can see the benefits in my own life.

Common Concerns that May Come Up. As you get ready to meditate you may have some questions and concerns. These are some of the most common.

• I don’t have time to meditate. Usually when you say you don’t have time for something, it means it hasn’t become a high priority for you to give it time. As you practice it and you feel less stressed, it would become a habit.

• When I sit to meditate it makes me more anxious. The question is, does it make you more anxious or is it possible that by stopping and sitting still, you become more aware of the anxiety that was already there? By accepting your anxiety and telling yourself: it’s just anxiety and I am going to calm myself by relaxing, the easier it will become to diffuse it. If you feel too anxious and agitated to sit down quietly, you may need to do some form of aerobic exercise first to release all that energy, and then go on with the meditation.

If you want to meditate to Christian music and Scripture check my website http://beinginhim.net/

Read Psalms 144- 150. It will lift your spirit!

Meditation Part I

2009-07-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Meditation involves a process of focusing our attention on only one thing at a time and letting all other thoughts go. Simply put, meditation is “focused thinking.” If you know how to worry, you already learned how to meditate, although your focus is in the wrong thing.
If a thought comes to a meditating person’s mind, she should not resist that thought or judge it, rather she should notice it and let it go.

This is easier said than done because we are not used to it, it goes against our training to "doing" instead of "being". Most people in the industrialized Western cultures have come to enjoy being busy, filling time with activities, people and noise. Many do not understand the art of quiet, solitary meditation.
It is hard to find moments of quiet reflection left that are not filled with:
~Listening to the Ipod, ~Cell phone conversations/texting, ~Checking email or the blackberry, ~Doing a google search, General business, Face book.
Whatever happened to appreciating the moment, introspection, free play, doing nothing.

*From ancient times God has instructed His people to meditate on His Word:
“Do not let this book of the law depart from your mouth, meditate on it day and night so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” Joshua 1:8

I continually stress the importance of body, mind and spirit connection, how one affects the other and as all three components work together well they make us whole.

*Harvard medical school tested the benefits of meditation:
~ A decrease in heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen consumption
~ An increase in electrical resistance of the skin and alpha brain wave activity (both associated with relaxation)

*Meditation has repeatedly been found to reduce chronic anxiety and worry. Some long-range benefits may include:

~ Sharpened alertness
~ Increased energy level and productivity
~ Decreased self-criticism
~ Increased objectivity
~ Decreased dependence on alcohol, recreational, and prescription drugs
~ Improved self-esteem and sense of identity
~ Meditation helps to uncloud your perception of yourself and your life.

With all these good stuff happening, why do some of us resist relaxing and meditating, or don’t even like it? Besides what I mentioned before about busyness and noise, there are internal resistances to it.

*Meditation in Scripture not only helps us calm the mind and relax the body, but it also helps us to control our thoughts:

“For the Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12)

*The Word of God has the power to reveal our wrong thinking patterns and help us to change them so we can be filled with peace and calm:

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)

The unnecessary stressors this culture presses upon us can be overcome as we choose to meditate on God’s Word. Jesus said “The words I speak to you are spirit, and they are life” John 6:63. It is good practice to focus on God’s words and allow them to sink deeply into our hearts.

In our childhood we discovered the art of daydreaming. We used our imaginations perhaps to escape the circumstances we were in or to dream of what we would like to be or do. Unfortunately, as our minds take on more distortional thinking, hurt, pain, and worldly ideas, our imaginations become more corrupt and negative. People imagine catastrophes that will come to them, and many kinds of unclean thoughts.

From the beginning of mankind, after sin entered the world, our imaginations have been bent to evil:
“The Lord saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.” Genesis: 6:5

* As Christians who have the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, we can fight this negative inclination to evil. Paul said:

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think (meditate) about such things.” Philippians 4: 8
Choosing to think about what is noble, just, pure, and lovely things will cleanse our mind of many stressful factors.

In my next post I will explain the types of meditation and what they include.

'Sup

2009-05-05T18:38:00.001-07:00

It feels like the beginning of a new chapter as I sit here and ponder where time has gone. I find the irresistible smell in the air with all the possibilities that a new season brings, together with the newness that surrounds it, hard to explain. I surely know very well the bitter-sweet feeling that spring in the air awakens in my mind as I recall those awful childhood memories of sadness transformed into despair. Almost four decades have gone missing since that dark day, and yet, it is so vividly stamped in my memory for ever.

As I took Sup to the vet today, I knew she had nothing but bad news for my pup, and that sweet spring smell grabbed me once more to transport me back in time. I can't compare the loss of one and the loss of the other, but they both saddened me to the core. Feelings are different from emotions because they have the added element of our own senses embedded into the emotion, our own thoughts, familial surroundings, culture. As I look at Sup stretched in her bed, still trying to welcome me when I get home, half way wagging her cute little tail, it makes me realize she has had a good dog's life. I wish I have had it as easy as her sometimes, as she has been superbly spoiled by me. Looking back, I have no regrets about the way she lived in my company. So many times I wished we could switch places with one another, but she refused. We will continue with her medication until the end because I do believe in miracles, and I believe that God could grant my pup a little more time on Earth, and disregarding all the opinions about pets not going to heaven, I still believe I will see 'Sup again somehow.

Christa's 19th Birthday.

2008-12-09T09:25:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures from Christa's costume party at home. I would post more but I need to download them first. Anyway, it was a lot of fun!

Just plain fun and, maybe, a little scary

2008-10-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

I like to see teenagers having fun.

Guitar Hero 4 has been a big hit at our house. Just listening to them trying to sing is hilarious. Playing guitar and drums is just as fun.
I'll save these pictures and see what they think in may be, 5, 10 years from now. Better yet, I'll show them to their kids even in a more distant future.

I am truly enjoying these years with my kids and their friends.

As the story goes...

2008-10-07T19:35:00.000-07:00

Jesse took his lip ring off yesterday. When I asked him why he replied: "I was done with it." He also said he bit it a couple of times and thought he chipped his tooth. All in all he had it for less than 2 months. Not bad! It reinforces my believe of not making a big deal out of certain things and allowing them to get to their own conclusions. He also got a #2 hair cut and it looks very handsome. Now, Josiah, his younger brother is asking to get an ear piercing... does it ever end? :)

Tio Alberto

2008-09-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

Seems that I usually write in this blog when sad things happen, and it may be because I want to record the dates and events as I recall them fresh in my mind. When my dad died at the age of 48 I was only 14 years old, and it made a tremendously negative impact in my life. I was very close to my dad and his early passing still stings. To top that, when I was 17 my mom moved us from the city where we had our social support-friends, and most of family, to another Province where my dad's relatives lived.

And there was Tio Alberto, my dad's brother, a couple years older than my dad. In my grieving I sought his company and guidance as he was a warm, good hearted man. He would tell me stories about him and dad as kids, from his perspective, and I loved listening to them. Shortly after that, after I graduated from high school I started to work in his business. I did a bit of everything, from typing business letters to bagging ponchos. He had a poncho/ski sweaters factory. I understood the nature of his business, and I appreciated his influence in my life. He was the closest thing I had as a dad, and I desperately needed one. As the years went by I moved back to Buenos Aires, my city of origin, and eventually to California.

Fast forward close to 30 years, to 2005 when I went back to Argentina and visited friends and family, and of course Tio Alberto. He was in his 80s, and it is very different to see people as they age on a daily basis than to be thrown 30 years in the future and have this 50 year old person in your memory, and in what it seems like a day, have them age 30 years. What a trip! That, by the way, was my whole experience with everyone I saw. Not to mention kids, who in my mind were 10, 12 years old, to find men and women in their 40s. The "Twilight Zone" has nothing intriguing compared to my visit.

We had a great time with Tio Alberto and his 4 "children." The oldest, Alberto Jr., is now a lawyer, married with 2 teenage kids, the age that I last saw him. Virginia, always running the other way when we had to work together to help Tio Alberto and I had to literally grabbed her and pull her to her duties. She is now married with 3 kids. Julito, born mentally challenged, the sunshine of our childhood. Always happy exploring the town on his bike; he befriended everybody, and I am nor exaggerating, everyone knew who Julio was. He loved all people due to the lack of ability to see the bad on others, always trusting, like a 6 year old would be, except he got stuck to be 6 years old for life. And then Guillermo. He had a special bond and love for his dad, Tio Alberto, and still does as it was evident in my last visit. A doctor now, he prided himself in providing the best medical care possible for his dad.

Tio Alberto died today, September 19, 2008 of old age. He lived a bittersweet life and was a man of integrity, love for his family, and a good man. He died as a Jew. Only the Lord knows what went on between them, but I surely would like to find him and my dad in Heaven when I join them. Tio Alberto was 87 years old.

Empty Nesters

2008-08-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

My hubby and I are at our front porch, enjoying the company of my friend Sue who came to visit with their son Andrew and hubby Milt. Sue and I have been friends for over 25 years when we both started working in the circuit board industry of the 80's. We went through our 20's together, dating, meeting our husbands, having our first baby around the same time, moving different directions, literally all over the map, but always keeping in touch.

Before the Internet era, we kept in touch with each other by phone, even when the long distance carriers were pricey back then. There is a certain bond that keeps us together even as we grow in our calling in life, and even when I see Sue for what she is today, a successful realtor, I can't remove from my mind images of her being silly as a 20 something could be silly. I am sure it is the same for her when she thinks of me in some of my worse moments.

Sue is facing the "empty nest"; something that we would talk about as young moms, a far away and almost impossible reality waiting to happen. Well, the time has come for Sue and Milt to bring their only son to San Jose State University from San Diego, and go back home without him :( Time is a priceless commodity, and the more I think about it, the less I understand it. So, I follow my own advise and try not to think too much.

What makes it more relevant is the fact that I see myself facing the same situation in not so long a time. One day I will wake up and realize that my children are gone to begin their own lives. We are definitely in the process right now, where we have become the influencers and not the controllers anymore in their lives. As I watch them grow, I feel the pride that any parent would feel when I see good choices being made, and the sadness of not so good ones. Nevertheless, when I think of my children I am filled with a love that only a mother can understand, and "I am very fond of them" as God, Papa, would speak of His creation in "The Shack."

To Sue and all my other friends who are becoming "Empty Nesters": "I emphatize with you."

Humility and Lip Rings.

2008-08-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

Today I took my son to have his wisdom teeth removed, and as I was thinking about that I prayed that his wisdom would increase as his teeth were gone. Two days ago he got a lip ring, and as I contemplated its meaning I was pretty pleased with myself. My son admitted that I am a pretty cool mom compared to some uptight moms he knows, and that made his lip ring worth it. Or may be he just manipulated my feelings.

Either way, I want their hearts, not the appearance of godliness. Isn't that what God wants? Of course, is it what we give Him? Not always. I am reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller and although I don't agree with a lot of his stuff, I really enjoyed his chapter "Confession." In it, he and a very small group of Christian friends who attended this ungodly university decided to open a Confession booth in the middle of campus as they were having a once a year festival/orgie/drug and drunkenness party. This Christian group decided, though, that they would confess their own sins to whoever came in the booth, and ask for their forgiveness for having misrepresented Jesus, for the televangelists, for not taking care of the poor and the needy, for the problems that their own selfishness and pride had caused. The students, mostly unsaved, were touched by this act of true humility, and there were lots of Godly fruit multiplying throughout campus due to these guys' obedience.

Now, next time I see a guy with some kind of piercing or tattoo I will tell myself: "Careful what you think, it could be you son!" And he may be reaching a section of the world I can't.

Downloading my Brain...

2008-07-29T19:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a while. I probably lost all my faithful readers (total of two) because, for no reason at all, I quit posting. Well, maybe I had a reason, and it's the same ol' "I was busy" excuse. Except that it wasn't an excuse, I was actually busy.

Right now I am vegging in my comfy porch, enjoying the cool breeze and missing my kids. They left for a week mission's trip to Mejico, and I miss them. The first day was the emotion of saying good bye, followed by the next day trying to catch up on things never accomplished, which they still remain unaccomplished, followed by my stress class preparation.

Today, we finished one of our 6 weeks classes and I am spent. It takes a lot out of me and at the same time, it revitalizes me. The repetition of the classes help my brain to absorb the truth and firmly set it there. The way to break a bad habit is just that, stop it and replace it with a good one. So my brain is constantly hearing good habits, scripture, fellowship, accountability, snacks, and yet I feel tired afterward. Sleeping cleanses the painful situations that some of our dear ladies go through, it erases the mistaken beliefs that well meaning people buy into, lies from living in this world.

I am thankful for a God that reveals His purpose through the faithfulness of His people, and I am thankful for the peace He rewards them with. I am ready to be entertained by my Netflix collection now... Chau...

Jesse's Graduation

2008-05-23T20:29:00.000-07:00

We had a lovely day today in Boulder Creek. The setting was the beautiful mountains, and the occasion was Jesse's high school graduation. It was a nice, short, family style ceremony, cake and punch, pizza later, and then home. I am the proud mama of two high school graduates and one to come next year. Enjoy the pictures. Well, they didn't make it in the blog, but at least you can see them.

Feelings...

2008-05-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

Feelings are so deceitful, it is no wonder I need to have God as my anchor to keep me from "feeling" all over the place. One day I'd be singing praises for an answered prayer, the next I'll be down for one of my kid's infractions. I want to be the kind of follower that believes and trusts that God can do all things. Not just a few, but all. I know that feelings follow behavior, therefore I need to keep on working daily on my salvation; not to be saved, but to keep on growing. I know all this too well, so why do I so often forget to apply it? Because I am trapped in this sinful body now, and I can only dimly see what it awaits me when I receive my glorify body and nothing can separate me from the love of God. Specially myself.

Are you worried today?

2008-05-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

This should qualify for today's Bible reading.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you"
(1 Peter 5:7).

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4: 4-7

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

Carry each other’s burdens… Galatians 6:2

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:25-34

The Dung Gate

2008-04-27T17:04:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed our service today. Nehemiah is always a fun book to glean lots of stuff from. It is famous for the rebuilding of the wall, but they couldn't just have walls. They needed gates as well to let people, goods, stuff in and out. Just like our lives, we have a wall of protection with gates to let people, situations, sin, stuff, in and out. One of their gates, the Dung gate, was exactly that, to dump the refuse, not having sophisticated sewer systems, people would go, dump and burn. Often, I need to take inventory and dump my refuse at the Dung gate where it belongs, and allow clean, pure, healthy, worthy stuff in my gates. Only then, I can continue my walk in a lighter manner, without carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, where it does not belong. When I get all weighted down it's time to go to the dump and spiritually leave all the excess stuff at the feet of the cross. I am so thankful that I am able to do that through Jesus Christ.

Close Encounter of the Fire Kind.

2008-04-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

As Christa was driving home last night, she past our next door neighbor house and saw flames. Immediately she stopped her car and knocked at their door, then pounded when they didn't respond quickly. They opened the door, confused by being waken up by her, and Christa calmly said "Your house is on fire", and proceeded to call 911. As the firemen arrived 4 minutes later and put out the flames, they told our neighbors that 3 to 4 more minutes they would have lost their house as the fire would have quickly spread through the roof.

Our neighbors were so thankful to Christa that this morning they brought her See's candies, Starbucks and Jamba Juice gift cards. A few things had to work together to make this miracle possible. Christa was supposed to be home earlier but was delayed as the movie run longer than expected. She had to turn her car around to park across the street forcing her to go to the neighbors to maneuver, thus seeing the fire. Had she found a spot on our side of the street she might have missed it. The neighbors said that she saved their house and possibly their lives. Not to mention that if the whole house caught on fire, we were right next to them... and we don't need any more fires in our lives. I believe providence was evident, and God's hand was there helping all of us.

Challenging Questions

2008-04-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

As I continue to learn about wisdom these closing questions in my study were challenging.

~ Are you becoming a woman of excellence?
~ Are you pursuing specific skills in order to increase productivity and enrich those about you?
~ Do you ponder in order to gain insight into God and His wisdom so that you are a treasury?
~ Is your speech wise so that you are able to invite, petition, counsel, reprove and instruct others with maximum effectiveness?
~ Finally, do you fear the Lord? Do you have a stand-alone inner core of strenght and self-possession based on reverence for God?

Wow! If you answered yes to all these, you are my hero! I am still trying to ingest all these meaning, let alone doing all of it. However, I am moving toward it, and that consoles me: knowing that perfection will come the day I stand before Him one day. Meantime, the best I can do is continue moving, and pray that I won't stand still.

Thank You Lord!

2008-04-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

Nothing gives me more joy than to see the Lord answering a prayer and (Him) waiting patiently until I realize it WAS indeed an answer to my prayer.

I would say for the last few months, maybe two or three, I have been waking up at 4:00 am EVERY morning. This has happened to me in the past, and I know better than to fight it. It is the time the Lord wakes me up to pray for certain things that are going on in my mind. I have a tendency to run faster than He wants me to, and that makes me restless inside, full of anxiety and worry about the future.

So, at 4:00 am He has my full attention, and in bed, with my eyes closed, I pour out my heart to Him. If you were to see me, I look fast asleep. There were a couple of issues going on in me that were draining my joy. As I prayed for weeks and walked sleep deprived for a while, I am seeing as clear as water, His hand on the situation. Any body else would be rejoicing, and I am, but it isn't easy being me because I begin to wonder about the next step to the equation instead of rejoicing in this victory a little longer.

Those who knew me years ago would have a hard time believing that I have become so...impatient? or lacking trust? or faithless? in what He can do. I used to rest in his arms and not have a care in the world. He is teaching me to renew my rest and trust and faith in all things. I want to go back to a childlike faith, where my walk is like a new daily experience of wonder and anticipation. I want to feel His love again, not just know it in my mind.

It all happens for a reason, and this earth is what He uses to train us. Life is one trial after another with some reprieve in between. He had taken me places that had I known before I would visit, I might resisted and turned around. But He knew when and how to take me there. And it wasn't always in a gentle way, but it was the way I would listen. And I am glad we went there together. I am glad I wake up at 4:00 am. to chat with my Daddy, and I am glad He loves me enough to tell me my faults and help me overcome them.

I am seeing the fruits of my prayers before my eyes this very day, and I rejoice in that. Thank you Lord, because I matter to you so much. And forgive my unbelief, I am still a work in progress until the day you take me home.

Heart Warming Story

2008-03-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

This is a true story from a family from our church. Beautiful!!

"Here is a story of waiting from Tony and Kelsey Thompson, a young couple from our church who have saved money to literally travel around the world for the purpose of giving it away and helping people in need. Here is one of their amazing stories from Tanzania which I've abridged but not edited...

It started off like any other day. Kelsey and I walked over from our hotel room to the tour company across town. When we arrived our tour guide was late so we sat outside & waited for him. We had only been waiting about 5 minutes when we saw a group of about 25 people dragging his man into a side street/ally... they were slapping his face & kicking him... we asked some onlookers what was going on... he had stolen a cell phone & the mob was trying to get it back. Slaps turned to punches & kicks got harder. Soon the man was really beaten & bleeding... the mob size had grown to maybe 35 now... Our tour guide had arrive by now & we asked him to find out more... 5 minutes later he came back..."He doesn't have the cell phone anymore so now they are going to kill him."...at this point we knew we had to do something... We walked over with our guide as a translator & asked the head of the mob, "How much is this cell phone worth to you?" He quickly replied, "$40." I took out $40 & told the mob, "I am paying this man's debt. I want your assurance that he will not be harmed after this." ... the head mob guy nodded, took the money & walked away. The beaten man in front of me broke down, embraced my ankles and wept. I knelt down with him & in front of 40 people I prayed & thanked God for his grace... we prayed... we walked him to a grocery store to get him something to eat... there was a guy sitting next to him about our age. He introduced himself as Julius... is a Christian and would be happy to take in the street person for as long as he could... it turned out his name is Stephen... a kid of 16! His parents died recently... There was a cloths market nearby so we shopped for "all" new cloths for him... went back to Julius' house so Stephen could have a shower...Julius thought it would be a good idea to introduce him to his pastor to see if he could help him get a job...Oh yeah, we we also paid for three months rent for the both of them ($13 a month!)... Stephen spoke up and said he knew how to cut hair... we bought all the supplies while the pastor looked for a business place nearby to keep an eye on him... Business space was $20 a month so we paid for 3 to start off with... we prayed with them and explained to Stephen that it was Christ giving him a second chance and not us. He cried tears of joy & promised that he would work hard & tell people what Christ had done for him. AMEN!

When we met Stephen he had no food, was dirty, was being beaten to death, had no home or friends. In about 24 hours time his debt had been paid, life ad been saved, he was fed & clothed, he had a roommate, pastor & friends & at the age of 16 was the proud owner of a barber shop... All in all to change the life of Stephen it cost about $450 and it was worth every penny.

What would have happened to Stephen if Tony and Kelsey were not waiting outside for their tour guide?

When we wait... we become.

The Question... What are you becoming?"

Life is Getting Busy

2008-03-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

It is kinda funny to me because I have worked very hard to have a simplified life. I did just that last year, and now I'm ready to come back to the land of the living. Not that I wasn't living, it's more like everybody else seemed to be busier than me. Anyway, as I am determined to begin a couple of things, others seem to add themselves to my schedule, and it is getting pretty full!! For starters I feel DONE with some things I started last year, and my heart is not in them anymore, but I have committed to them for the rest of the school year. I am ready to move on to my new things that I really want to do.

OK, here are my new things in life:

1) My mediation internship with the Santa Clara County. I am now doing my own mediations, both, in small claims court and victim/offender cases. Learning as I go really. When they tell you hands-on learning, it really means: there is nobody to train you for long, so go at it, make mistakes, and learn from them.

2) My new Spanish class twice a week besides the one I already teach. Yikes!

3) My good friend inviting me to co-teach an Anxiety Management class. This is something I have been praying to do for a long time, am excited about, and I know I am supposed to do, but I wish it had come before I'd committed to more Spanish classes. Oh, well, life will be busy for a few months, then I would need to rearrange my schedule again.

I am getting excited about the future. For a while there I was having a hard time being almost done as a mommy, after having mothered for so many years, a lot of my identity was in that. And even though I am not done yet, I wanted something to look forward to besides grandchildren :)

Good News.

2008-03-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

Christa received a letter of acceptance to San Jose City College Cosmetology School today. It took only a year instead of the potential 2 or 3 we were told it could take. She, God willing, will start classes in the Fall. We were all thrilled reading the orientation dates and such, and she is already planning her scheduled new life.

Reality Weekend

2008-03-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

I just love it when God brings reality to my life without saying a word. Lately I have been mopping around about my children getting older, and seeing the proximity of empty nesters status fastly approaching. I would reminisce about the good old days when my kids were little, oh that wonderful baby smell, the outings to the park, MOPS, baby showers, birthdays, pink and blue balloons. Little kids's magic world where everything is a new discovery full of laughter and bubbles...

This weekend Christa babysat Friday afternoon through Sunday night for a little boy who is one of her regulars, but first time for 3 days. She came over on Saturday with him and had a wonderful time. He had breakfast with us, then we went to Starbucks -have to teach them young- walked, played, had fun. On Sunday we took him to Church with us and we had to leave the service because he decided he was going to preach louder than the pastor. He cut his little finger on something and shared some of his blood on his and Christa's outfit. I had forgotten that little ones get cranky, dirty, fuzzy, tired, hungry, annoyed, did I say dirty? All the romanticized memories I had of my babies didn't allow for the reality part of the work they took, and would gladly do it all over again, but I no longer have to deal with.

I got up the next day thankful for my teens at the stage they are at in life. I still miss their baby smell but welcome the wonderful kids they are, and can't wait to, someday, be a fun grandma to their kids.

Our Enemy

2008-03-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

This Sunday our Pastor talked about the enemy of our soul, Satan. I don't hear much preached about him these days, and as much as I appreciate not giving the devil more than the place he deserves, which is way smaller than our powerful God, I believe that we need to be reminded and be aware of who he is to protect ourselves-"know your enemies." That's one of the many military tactics; to study and know who the battle is against, minimize their strenght and take over their weaknesses. Satan strategies are many: Liar, Accuser, Tempter, Destroyer, and Murderer. Nothing would give him more pleasure than to see us completely destroyed, destitute, and desperate. How sick is that?

One of the many darts the enemy seems to use against us Christian is discouragement. I know for myself that many times I give in to it, and that's exactly where my enemy would like to have me to paralyze me. I need to keep on believing in my heart all the beautiful promises that He has for me, and lodge them there.

"For greater is He who is in us, than he who is in the world."

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And with that, I will rest in Him.

2008-02-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like, in a matter of hours, you have been transported to another dimension and then suddenly back to your familial surroundings?

That's how I've been feeling with my mediation internship. I step into a new world where people seem almost unreal, where their problems become mine for a while, where I need to sharpen my focus and trust that God will give me insight, discernment, and wisdom as I try to fairly guide people into solving their disagreements, all in a very short time. Boy, I am glad I am not God. I certainly feel for Moses when he was hour after hour listening and solving people's disputes. He might have been exhausted! Thank God for his father-in-law and his wisdom to train and share the burden.

Truth of the matter is, I love what I am doing, and I sense that God is pleased with me by using the gifts he has bestowed on me. Often times I wonder why couldn't He just made me a good singer, or an artist, a writer... something lighter and more popular than helping people carry their burdens and wanting to do it!!! My heart goes out to this lady whose house was burglarized by a male youth, and she is now afraid to go in with her toddler for fear that someone will be there. The fear of being violated is very real and painful. But, I am able to pray (secretly) for her, and that is a powerful weapon that I feel honored to have. I am the daughter of the King, mingling in an unsaved section of the world He has died for also, as much as He died for me and my Christian brothers and sisters.

Life

2008-02-20T21:13:00.000-08:00

Interesting couple of days. Yesterday we went back to our "unshaven dentist" and I was considering staying outside but decided I was no coward and faced him. He probably didn't even remember my indiscretion, but Josiah did and got the giggles. We manage to compose ourselves and the visit went just fine.

Today I started my mediation internship with the Santa Clara County, and it was very informative as well as busy. My very first day at the Small claims court co-mediating, more like observing, with an experienced colleague. From there we went to the offices downtown where I was given a cubicle, computer, and phone. And, juvenile offender cases to begin calling to mediate. No time wasted very hands on internship. Pretty much I'll learn as I go with the guidance of a supervisor. I am on overload until I process the information. It was a good day and it felt rewarding. Looking forward to Monday for my second session! Now, must go vegetate on the couch.

Death

2008-02-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

I don't like death. Even as inevitable as it is, I still don't like it. It is part of life in this redeemed state we are in, but I still don't like it. I heard that we don't like death because God actually made us to live eternally, and death wasn't part of the original created state He wanted for us. Either way, we are stuck with it, and last night my dear friend's Dad, Atilio, past on unexpectedly after a minor surgery. My friend is devastated, she loves her parents dearly. Her mom was always at her husband's side for over 55 years. They had that kind of relationship that you see in the movies (almost). And last night this loving wife went to sleep on an empty bed. Oh, that sucks my kids would say. As much as I don't like that expression, that's just how I feel. Sorry if I sound down, but I am. I'll be better tomorrow. By the way, I know my friend and her parents since we were 16 years old. They were like family to me.

Ignore any mis-spellings please, my spell check is not working anymore.

Quoting quotes

2008-02-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

Some interesting quotes I was reading from a secular Life Management source on "Facing Change":

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strenght undefeatable."
Helen Keller

"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Be not afraid of moving slowly, be afraid of standing still."
Chinese Proverb

Any good quotes anybody wants to share?

Humility

2008-01-29T13:01:00.000-08:00

I like this quote, I think on day 27 of the challenge we were to pray for humility. I believe it is from The Purpose Driven Life book: "Humility, is not thinking less of yourself...it is thinking of yourself less."

So true. Nothing biggie, just wanted to type it so I'll remember it.

Big Foot in my Mouth

2008-01-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

I like to think of myself as a good listener, I don't speak a lot, and don't interrupt people when they are talking, and I try as best as possible not to offend anyone. I also speak "men" language when needed. Like today when I took my son to the dentist. Instead of giving a bunch of explanations for the problem at hand I simply said: "Jaw popping, not good." The doctor understood perfectly and immediately went to work on the problem without me having to elaborate.

As I was sitting in my chair facing both doctor and child, I looked at child and without even thinking I observed out loud "You need to shave Sir." I sometimes lovingly refer to my boys as "Sir."

The two "Sirs" raised their heads toward me and in unison said some like "Yes I know." OMGsh!!!!! Just then my eyes moved slowly to the unshaven doctor, which of course I hadn't noticed earlier. I prayed that the Earth would swallow me whole, or that my Lord would return that second.

My child was having a hard time holding his face so he wouldn't laugh, and I was utterly embarrassed and ashamed, but also beginning to get the giggles, therefore, grabbing my face as well to force it to remain serious.

It was one of those moments where nothing I could possibly say would erase what I just expressed. Would a "Oh, no, Doctor, I'm talking to my son, not you, your unshaven face looks neat" sound sincere? Truth is, I hadn't noticed him until I said what I said. Too late. So, I kept silent as he continued doing his job in my boy's mouth, and I can only wonder what his face will look like when we return in four weeks. Maybe I'll wait in the car.

My First Love Part 1

2008-01-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

Today I decided to revisit my life when I first got saved, the newness of my first love, and reminisce and wonder what happened to my zeal.

The week after I got saved and went back to work, a co-worker who was becoming a good friend of mine, asked me what had happened to me. When I wondered what she meant she said: "This week I haven't seen you running around wild eyed with your cup of coffee and cigarette in your hand, you seem calm, almost peaceful." Wow, that is a testimony that when God is drawing someone to Him we don't even need to speak. I didn't know any Bible verse yet, but I told her that I had gone to a Church on Sunday and got saved, not quite sure of what it all meant. She invited herself over for dinner at my apartment that night to hear more about this Jesus thing. My friend was going through a very hard time in life. She was only 20 years old going through divorce, her dad had just died of cancer, and was feeling pretty low. As we were having dinner I explained to her the little I knew about my new life, which had some to do with praying this prayer to ask Jesus to live in your heart. Immediately my friend said: "I want to pray that right now." And so we did as our dinner was getting cold on our plates. That was 22 years ago.

Sometimes we try so hard to orchestrate all these fancy programs, speeches, and plans to bring the lost to Him. And many times all He wants is to let people see our changed lives, and He'll do the rest, even through someone who doesn't even know a single Bible verse. Today my friend is married to a wonderful Christian husband and has 3 children.

Powerful, specially the end

2008-01-16T19:49:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

Back to Basics

2008-01-16T11:09:00.000-08:00

I just realized that when I keep a post on draft and publish it days later, it shows up at the original date, below other posts I may have typed at a later date. Oh, well...

Changing gears, last night we went to our weekly couple's ministry at our church and I feel like I am really being fed between that, my women's Bible study on the "5 Aspects of Woman", and this 30 days challenge. My poor husband has been sick these last few days, and I am trying to be really compassionate about it, which to me is not really work because empathy is one of my gifts. Last night he told me he appreciates that, and acknowledged that compassion is not one of his strong suits, which is true, but it came from him, not me.

I think I am getting better at just being aware of his needs. Because husbands are supposed to take care of us and protect us, I think I neglected that, as a human being, my husband needs just as much emotional support as any other human being. Maybe I was putting too much on his shoulders, where it really needed to go to Jesus' shoulder instead. I am learning to keep quiet and just commiserate without giving my "wise" advice.

Through "5 Aspects of Woman" the author clearly explains how, in our fallen state, we women want to take our husband's place instead of being the perfect completer we were created to be. Manipulation gets confused with wisdom, using God's name for something we want to see happening instead of trusting God. Operating on our redeemed state is the only way to get us out of this fleshy fallen state. Isn'it like a full circle? The more I learn, study, talk, practice, it all comes back to basics: Being in His presence keeps me out of the detours of life, brings me back where I was supposed to be all along. I want to stay there for ever. God help me.

My Roomba

2008-01-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

I LOVE my IRobot Roomba! It "wakes up" everyday at 2 am, does the rounds vacuuming everywhere as long as it doesn't get stuck on someone's sock or some, and an hour later goes back to its cradle. It collects lots of dust and lint that otherwise would be lingering on the floors and in the air. It is very easy to clean, and it doesn't complain at all. Good choice!

Creative husband

2008-01-06T20:06:00.000-08:00

In my reading for today, I was supposed to praise my husband for his creativity. That was an easy one for me. I don't think I've ever met a more creative man than my husband. He is artistic, musical, designer, cook, builder with beauty in mind. Very creative. I told him today that he was the best husband in the whole wide world and he chuckle and repaid the compliment.

This challenge is definitively helping me to be more aware of him. Of who he is and what he does. Of how hard he works with his hands and body to the point of painful backaches.

In the midst of our season in life of pruning our kids I must continue to remind myself that my marriage needs watering. Daily little reminders of each other's presence facilitates to walk this life joyfully, knowing that we are not alone in this endeavor, that we can vent with each other about stuff, and know that our vows are kept not only because we are dutifully committed to them but because we desire to keep them, enjoying each other's presence, conversation, and fellowship.

Revenge

2008-01-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

Oh...this is fun...!!! Everett and I had told our kids a while ago that we will be making a list of the things we'll do at their homes when they are on their own. It all started with the usual nagging..."Clean after yourself. Put away the cheese will you?" etc. etc....

So my hubby said that our revenge will be to "Do unto others... in this case us to them. If you have teens you'll relate, if not wait and see. Of course the kids are laughing thinking it's a big joke. This is what we came up with so far. Oh, everything doesn't apply to every child, and it may had happened at different seasons. Some exaggerations apply :)

When we visit their home:
~On our way in to their home we'll spit on the bushes
~We will open a bottle water, drink a sip and leave the rest on the counter
~When we are thirsty again we will open another bottle
~We will belch as loudly as possible
~When we are called on it we'll respond we can't help it
~We will take our shoes off and leave them in the way to trip over and fling our socks across the room
~We will take the cheese out of the fridge in the summer and leave it out for hours, or maybe for ever until someone else puts it away.
~We will brush our teeth and spit all the way up on the mirrors and faucets
~We will wipe the sink and leave the dirty wipe on the counter
~When we wipe our mouth we will ball the towel and jam it in the towel holder
~When we open a paper towel roll we will never put in on the dispenser and leave the wrapper on the floor
~We'll take our dinner dishes to the living room and leave them (we'll make the mess but we are not cleaning it up)
~When it gets dark we'll turn every light on
~When we need a snack we'll open the fridge and freezer doors and loiter
~When we clip our nails we'll leave them for someone else to clean up

When they take us out to dinner:
~We will only look at the prices and choose the most expensive meal
~We have no intention of paying for the meal but that won't stop us from saying we are ready to go
~Every meal we will suggest we eat out and they pay

When they invite us over to meet their future in-laws:
~We will complain about going
~We will be late
~We will stand with our hands in our pockets
~After dinner we'll play video games

On their wedding day:
~We will be late
~We will wear jeans and tennis shoes

If we travel together overnight:
~We will insist on high quality hotels with a pool and then just watch TV
~We will try to take the best bed

I'm sure there are more and in time we will be adding to the list. We had a big chuckle working on this one.

Encourager

2008-01-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

It sounds so spiritual, so in touch with humanity, so... good. Encourager.

Easier said than done for some of us. Piece of cake for others. I have known some people that God had given them the gift of encouragement. For others it's a skill that needs to be learn and re-learned over time making a conscious decision to remember. There are as many different types of encouragers as personalities out there.

The cheerleaders are always cheering you on, duh! Whatever anyone says gets a "You can do it!!" attached to it. It is very uplifting and makes you feel good. They always notice your new hair cut or the 5 lbs. you worked so hard to lose.

On the opposite end we have the stern, pensive group that always has the exact Scripture to quote that ties perfectly with the situation at hand.

Most others realize that we all need encouragement, but hasn't always been modeled to them, or they are still learning the skill. They often quote personal life stories that had a happy ending to relate to the other person's problem. As I am going along with this challenge I received to pray for my husband for 30 days, I realize that my focus has been more on accomplishing and running toward an unclear goal than to stop to take a break and smell the roses. Running at full speed to what? or where? This morning I placed a big galloping horse (in my mind) with me on it pulling the reins to an abrupt stop to remind myself to look around and get engaged with what is going on in my surroundings. So, this morning I grieved with my hubby about Dan Fogelberg. I didn't realize that he was so upset about it. As a musician he connected with some of his music when he was a teenager. It may sound unimportant, but it was a special moment we had together where any other time I would have been too busy doing some secondary task. It was a good connecting time for us as we reminisced about his songs, and way more spiritual than me giving a half felt answer with a pensive look.

All this to say that being an encourager could be done in silence sometimes. Just sitting next to the person and being there for them.

Random Thoughts on Writing and Children and What Works for Us.

2007-12-15T21:55:00.000-08:00

Writing is therapeutic. But I never liked writing my innermost feelings on paper. I've always pictured myself dying and someone reading my private thoughts in a journal, and that did it for me. Blogging, though, it is like going out to dinner and keeping my manners at their best; I enjoy the food, but don't get that messy eating it.

To be fulfilled as a woman, I've heard, one must do three things: have a child, plant a tree, and write a book. I have done the first requirement three times, the second, once, and the third remains undone. I have a lot to say, but it is easier to think about it than to pen it on paper. I have quite a few short stories on life issues that I wrote over time, so I may post some of those sometime.

My favorite topics are on understanding how children and teens feel and think. I believe that many times as parents we forget how complex and complicated being a kid really is. Things have drastically changed since my childhood days, however, I haven't forgotten how dependant children are on their parent's decisions. How frustrating it could be to have inflexible parents. How they shape us to the core of our being. How we love them, how we hate them. How we treasure their unconditional and selfless love, how we resent their tyranny.

After I became a parent I made it my life purpose to seek God for guidance to grow emotionally healthy children. It is a full time job that requires dying to self. Truly. Completely. It is being able to "see" situations from their perspective, shaping them without breaking their spirit and their quest to explore. Always treating them with dignity and respect with the understanding that the final coach is God Himself...what a privilege. And theirs is the final choice...how uncertain.

It is the ability to move from control to influence as our children move toward the tween and teen years. For a controlling parent this challenge is almost impossible to fulfill. But it is mandatory for a healthy transition to independence. Would any of us allow a 2 year old cross the busy street by himself? Of course not. The same could be said for a parent who won't allow her teenage kid to go to the movies with his friends, or shows inflexibility toward a decision the teen disagrees with. They like to discuss the possibilities in an adult manner at times, while at other times they want to be little kids again. It is normal. I know I want to be a kid again sometimes and remove all the weight off my shoulders. When we have their best, realistic, interest at heart and not what looks good on the outside we'll be able to communicate heart to heart with them. Teenagers are idealists and a bit of rebels. They begin to think for themselves and it is healthy to allow them while we give them our input as we cheer them on. But when they sense hypocrisy they tend to rebel and they let you know it also.

I remember about a month ago when my son started driving himself to school and work he asked if he could drive to his friend's house. We said yes and he left. Later my husband asked me what time Jesse would be home and I responded that we didn't set a time. Everett called Jesse while we had predetermined that 9:30 ish P.M. was all we poor parents could take. My wise husband, instead, asked Jesse how he was doing and what time he was planning to come home. I was in the back ground grabbing my head thinking "No, nooooo, you can't let him decide!" Quietly my hubby hang up the phone and said "Jesse is on his way home." It was 8:00 P.M.

When we place age appropriate responsibilities on them, it is amazing how well they handle them.

We need to be transparent sometimes. My daughter turned 18 in December, and she is legally an adult. Her curfew had been about 11:00 P.M. for about a year now. She asked me if her curfew could change since she was 18. My first reaction was to say no and then lecture her on "after all young lady this is our roof and our rules." Thank God for the ability to bite my tongue. I took a second to regroup and I sweetly responded: "You are my first child turning 18, so bear and work with me here until I get the hang of it, so what do you propose as a new curfew?" She said something like: "I know that you can't sleep until I get home, so I'd like to keep it the same, around 11:00 P.M., except when I am watching a movie and I want to finish it instead of missing the end. I would still call you to let you know how late I'd be, and go to your room as always when I get home." Boy was I glad I didn't lecture her. She is such a jewel, such a kind hearted young woman, and I'm so proud of her.

God gave me the ability to move to influence. It didn't come naturally. If I had my way I would build a big cozy cage and keep my beloved children in it to save them from this cold world. I was a very in control mom of when they were little, meanwhile observing the development of other teens realizing that most of the reasons they were acting out was due to their parent's inability to let them grow up in a healthy, independent way. I decided I wasn't going to do that. We have healthy conversations where we let them know we welcome their input, and they also know the issues we won't bend on. And they respect them.

We don't give specific curfews because we believe it will set them up for failure. We say 11:00 ish, or about 5:00 P.M. That way, if they are running late they don't fail. They call instead. If they don't call we don't make a big deal either. We remind them the next time to do it as a courtesy to us. And they do. If they don't, I pray that God would soften their hearts to do the Golden Rule. And He delights in that. After all, they are His children and He has the best interest in their success.

We don't ground either. I have observed that is is an outward compliance that does not change the heart. In fact, it may add fuel to the fire. Removing privileges may or may not work depending on the teen. I recall two times requesting that Christa stay home instead of going out, and she was well in agreement with my decision. In fact, I think she secretly enjoyed it.

Lastly, and very difficult, we have to believe that they are learning from us even when it does not show; when we feel that we scar them for life, when we think there is no hope. I have shared many times the ongoing situation with my daughter's lateness everywhere: school, church, appointments, even with her friends. We tried pretty much everything we read, heard, or thought. Nothing seemed to work until she got a job. Her review praised her punctuality. She had never been late to work. That, my friends, is a miracle. If anyone would've told me that she'd be praised for being PUNCTUAL would had received a big laugh. I used to have thoughts about her being in the soup line as a homeless woman due to her inability to be on time for work. Which bring me to expand my point: It isn't our doing. My daughter had a choice to make about it, and God had the Holy Spirit working in her. My part was to instruct her on the benefits of being punctual, and she had to take it from there. Not mommy anymore. Christa and God.

One wise piece of advise I heard a long time ago to resolve a certain issue that I may not be sure about: Ask myself: Is it immoral, dangerous or against the law? If it isn't either of them we are willing to change our views for their need to explore the world. A simple example would be when our boys wanted to grow long hair. It wasn't our first choice but it didn't violate any of our filters, therefore, we let them. My husband added that it was better to let them do it at this age and not as a frustrated 50 year old man. Good point. When it came time to cut their hair (3 years later) they were looking forward to it. There was not rebellion nor bitterness. In fact, one of the boys told us he was looking forward to have short hair again.

There is so much more to tell. Being a parent is a bit like an intuitive software. It goes along with what comes naturally to do depending on the child and the situation at hand; not so much with a bunch of general rules that set us up for disappointment. And of course, God's guidance.

To all the Marias in the World

2007-12-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, after I dropped my son off at his Art class, I decided to pull into the parking lot and wait for him while working in the car instead of going home. This ritual has been part of my life for a few years now, when I take kids from sports, to music, to Art classes I load the van with paperwork that I need to do, and at the same time, I save gas and gives me time to complete a project. I actually enjoy the peace and confinement that my van offers.

The day was warm and I left the air conditioner running as I worked, and I guess I became very sleepy. I must dozed off because the next thing I remember was a loud knock on my window that startled me, racing my heart beat and confusing me as I didn't know, for a second, where I was.

"Are you OK?" said this old lady as she motioned me to lower my window. My first thought was: "Well, I was until you almost gave me a heart attack!." I bit my tongue, of course, smiled and opened my window. She apologized and asked me if I was trying to kill myself. "What??" I thought again. She, then proceeded to tell me that "my neighbor had killed himself in his garage running his car and I couldn't just get in my car and not see if you were sleeping or unconscious."

Maria was a lonely, very sweet Portuguese lady, 79 years old, who, in 20 minutes, described her whole life to me; from her arrival to this country, her marriage to this wonderful man who died young, to her grown son and her desire to become a grandma. She added that she usually didn't talk this much because people didn't have time to listen to her rumbling on. She proceeded to thank me, waived good bye and left.

Odd, I thought, but I truly enjoyed my encounter with Maria. Some people still care. She was concerned about my well being and risked being rejected in order to make sure I was well. I thanked her for that. How many of us would have actually done what she did? As I resumed working on my papers another thought crossed my mind: What if I had entertained an Angel in disguise? If I had I know I passed the test, and a warm feeling filled my heart.

Is it Really that Important?

2007-12-02T14:35:00.000-08:00

As the one year anniversary was approaching, I was trying hard to block off my mind that our showroom had burnt to the ground. At the time when it happened I kept telling myself: "It's only a building," "Nobody got hurt." The firemen contained it and "only" four shops were destroyed.

Ten years ago I was the mother of 3 children ages 8, 6, and 4. We had just moved back to California from Idaho with great expectations at a time when the economy was beginning to boom in Northern California to the point that even apartments were more expensive to rent than the beautiful, golf course backyard house we had built in Idaho.

Father's day came that year and we were so broke that my kids bought their Dad a McDonald's burger special for .25 cents apiece. We had lost our cat, the only living creature that was our friend because we didn't know anybody else yet. Our hamster developed a tumor and we held her funeral in the side yard of our apartment complex.

With great sacrifice we leased this shop in Los Gatos, with even greater sacrifice we furnished it with nice displays, decorated, painted, and beautify it. My kids drew little pictures for Dad to tape on his computer, and then our pictures made their way there also. It was an extension of our home, so to speak. We would go visit Daddy to see if anybody was interested on our product and service. We prayed hard, we bonded greatly, but we were having a hard time. Slowly, provision began to pour, we were able to move out of our tiny apartment into a house, and as our kids attended Christian school, I taught Spanish to offset the otherwise impossible tuition.

Fast forward ten years. Kids are 18, 16, and 14. When my husband called me that day I knew some was wrong. First thing out of his mouth was "we are all OK, the showroom burnt down." My heart sank. He had put so many hours there, so many memories gone, and there was love in those walls, in those little pictures my kids had drawn. It wasn't "just" a building. We needed to grieve. From one day to the next my husband had been laid off, no place to go. There were tears when the firemen let us go in to see what was left. Nothing is a good description. All ashes and water damage.

In the rubble we found a dinner plate that had decorated one of our cabinets, a frame with my kids pictures that had been near the computer, and, miraculously, 2 unbroken wine glasses. I believe God was saying that the most important things were intact: His provision (the dinner plate), our children (the framed picture), and His precious blood (the 2 wine glasses) He was still in control of our circumstances.

And so He was, and is.

Reminescing

2007-12-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

Today has been a very special day in my life. My little girl turn 18. Yup, and I can't stop thinking that it wasn't that long ago I was holding her little hand against mine, and smelling that sweet baby smell that I miss so much.

She has become the kind of girl any parent would be proud. We were sure to let her know that today, and I feel privileged to have watched her make right choices. Thank you Lord for giving us such a gift.

On the more mundane side, I took Christa to have a facial and a lip wax today. It was so relaxing, I almost fell asleep on the room they assigned me. Dim lights, relaxing music, warm blanket, face massage with a bonus of arm and neck massage. I don't pamper myself very often, but I am glad we did this together. Well, Christa was in the next room enjoying her own facial. Afterwards we picked up her friend and went to the mall, had her picture taken, and then SHOPPING! Dinner at Bucca Di Peppo to end the evening, and now I'm beat.

Kind of random, but Stephanie H. inspired me to start blogging, and I had visited other sites before, but never really got started until tonight. :)