The Sadness and Joy of What Is, or Could Have Been.

Our brains grasp the reality of whatever is happening at the moment, which in time, accounts for many years and eventually, decades, full of memories.

The saddest part about aging is realizing the many moments that could have brought a completely different result in the quality of our lives. 

If I would have accepted that job instead of staying in the same place for security reasons. If my mother, father, or whomever, would have loved me well I would be more emotionally stable. If my friend wouldn’t had betrayed me I wouldn’t have so many trust issues. If my spouse had been faithful to me, etc. etc. “If only” statements are endless and they exponentially grow in number and size the older we get. 

Getting older gives us broader shoulders to carry the amount of pain that, while younger, never thought we would have to bear. Loving others hurt. It hurts when we lose them, it hurts when they leave us, it hurts when they grow and fly, or when they betray us. 

Many people’s pain began as young ones. Losing a parent at a young age will change your brain chemistry and, in many instances, those children will begin to  perceive life as unsafe, even if they had healthy attachments as children. 

It is the accumulation of bad experiences that chip away at our souls and bring in sadness, bitterness, resentment, pain, and loneliness.

Many people view their life from this filter only, unable to incorporate the good moments and reprieves that life also brings our way. 

When was the last time you had a good laugh with a friend, or even a TV program? What about some good news, a better job offer, healing from a loved one, or a promising relationship. Some research said that we need five good reports for each negative one, be it criticism or negative life experiences. 

It is easier to internalize the bad, like we have a direct line to our souls when bad things happen, yet we need to work much harder to internalize the joyful, meaningful, happy moments that we encounter on our journey.

May I encourage you to list the good moments daily? Because they are there if we look for them. We mostly disregard them because it seems like the bad ones overtake us and multiply faster. But, the good moments, the God things, are there. Let’s become seekers and finders of the good times, good relationships, good job opportunities, faithful partners and friends. Good people who enrich our existence. 

They are there, look for them.

Blessings your way,

Silvia

Stress and Anxiety mixed with Fear.

2 Timothy 1:7
"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us fearful, but gives us power, love and self-discipline (sound mind)."

So why so many of us make decisions based on fear? Fear is the opposite of trust. Are we not trusting God and his word? Parents need to parent out of love and freedom, not out of fear and control. The same goes for other relationships-spouses, friends, family. At the same time we live in a dangerous world that gives us plenty of reason to be afraid. Where is the balance? Maybe to do the best we can with what we know and are able to do, and truly trust what we do not have control over? Hoping for a relaxed weekend with deep breathing in the mix...

Please visit our Being in Him Facebook page.

 

"Be still and know that I am God."

Managing Me.

After a season of change, renewal follows.  As I go through my new stage in life and continue to submit myself to this virtual surgical detachment from life as it was these past 20+ years, I keep realizing and hopefully learning that I need to take ownership of my new stage, and to joyfully make it work.

I am often reminded that my expectations do not match my reality and it is time, once again, to adjust my thinking. Very small daily changes in my thinking will lead me to huge, uplifting outcomes. Renewal is a process and it takes daily training to steadily enter the road to wellness.

As my season in life was changing I felt the need to add some tools to keep with the current times. I have a wonderful group of ladies that we meet for dinner once a month and we all look forward to this time. We pick a different restaurant each month and stay for 2 to three hours, non-stop talking, catching up with each other’s lives. We all live for this date. Connecting with loved friends is a gift from God and so restful for the soul.

I also belong to a Book Club that meets about every 6 weeks, and the goal is to read books that our husbands probably wouldn’t like, historical fiction many times, and enjoy each other’s company.

My basic survival tool kit includes proper, intentional thinking, enough prayer, rest and relaxation with deep breathing, making sure I process what I am feeling, mixing life up between fun, work, and family time and consciously enjoying what I have, -not dwelling on what I don’t have or lost. There is room in my life to add more exercise. Maybe it is time to find a small group of ladies who would like to walk with me?  

The biggest awareness comes when I accept that I can’t change others or the outcome of any situation, but I can ‘manage me.’ All that means is that I can decide what I am going to do with whatever situation that comes my way, knowing that I am not a victim of my circumstances, but I can choose how I am going to react and what I am going to do with it. My choice. And that is freeing.

A New Season Is In The Air: The Empty Nest Syndrome.

My new season in life is the empty nest syndrome. My children are of age to leave home yet we still enjoy their company due to school, work and the huge cost of living in this beautiful Bay Area we chose as our home.

Because my children are still at home doesn't mean that their emotional disconnection hasn't started yet. It has. And sometimes it breaks my heart. I have observed other mothers deal with this time in life either with a sigh of relief that it is finally here, while others don't seem to have an emotion one way or the other. It makes me feel awkward that I am so sentimental over this issue. When it comes to my kids I have to say I would vote for rearing children in a cage, a bubble, a closed sect with only the people I'd allow to live there, maybe buy a parcel in Mars. As I become increasingly aware that neither one of those is a good choice I realize I need to process this reality and eventually, accept it.

I am very proud of my children, their differences, their temperaments, their quirks, as well as their sensitivity, their kindness, their different ways to deal with life and it has been fun to observe what each of them is accomplishing. It makes me proud that though not perfect, they have adhered to a set of values that makes them healthy, productive, loving people. I have prayed for them years before they were conceived and God has blessed me with the best in the world. I would give my life for each one of them in a heartbeat. I have learned many lessons from them as well. They have taught me about being humble, in realizing my own imperfections and limitations; I have learned to give more of myself and increase empathy and patience. I have learned what I am capable of doing if anyone would ever try to hurt them, the mama bear in me is extremely protective and mean if needed. I have spoken up and defended my children from injustices. I have let them fight their own battles when appropriate, I have instilled in them that there is a God that will always love them and be there for them if they let Him. I have laughed, I have cried, I have experienced the highest mountains and the lowest valleys with them. Lots of these have gone unnoticed by them as I have also allowed them to enjoy their childhood and not burden them with real life too soon.

I have and continue to pray daily for them, for wisdom, body, mind and spiritual health, love, more wisdom, a love for their Creator, peace, kindness, and the rest of the fruits of the Spirit. I have prayed that they would get caught when they were doing something I need to know about. God has and still is honoring that prayer. I feel very attuned to their emotions and sometimes I simply "know" that something is up even when I can't put a finger on what exactly. I would like to be remembered by them as a mom that cared more for their hearts than their actions. Even when I would not agree with their choices I would be able to separate the person from the behavior. I strive to treat them with dignity and respect and to grow them to independence. And here I am, learning about the empty nest syndrome; letting them go, pushing them out of the nest, better yet, them pushing themselves out and me allowing it.

Like any new season in life, I will learn to accept it and enjoy it. I will look back and be thankful for the wonderful grandbabies I will some day meet. I look forward to meeting their spouses whom I have been praying for from birth. I look forward to a long, God led life for my children and for many generations to come. To you, Christa, Jesse and Josiah!! With love always,
Mom

Facebook

Facebook

It is so fun to observe people on Facebook. My husband thinks people should not publish their dirty laundry on FB. That is not the place. I agree. But, it is so fun to observe and realize so much about people just by their statuses.

On the one hand you have the practical ones. “Grocery shopping today, kid’s hair cut, games, vacations, etc.” Does anybody really care that much what others are going to do today? Probably not. I think it is more for the one writing the status to gather their thoughts and feel accompanied.

Then there are the Bible scholars. Scriptures fill most of their statuses and many (not all) feel justified for using such a mundane tool like FB because after all they are preaching the Gospel, thus not wasting time.

Others, again just my observation, are crying for attention. “Me, me, look at me!!!” They feel disconnected, left out, alone, and hope that FB will be their ticket to happiness.

Then there are the encouragers. Always a positive note, you can read a smile behind every statement they make, and they help people feel better just about anything others are going through. They are the ones that usually get more comments along with the jokers- if you are funny you’ll get a crowd.

There are the needies; They have so many needs that take many daily statuses to display the horrors of life. Victims of fate try to get the attention of the rescuers and they connect in their own way. It is almost therapeutic how that works along with the ‘insecures’ who cry out for someone to convey that they are OK, no matter what, you are loved. They seek reassurance and fish for belonging.

Then you have the thinkers. They philosophize and try to fix mankind issues in one liner. They quote clever proverbs, biblical or not, they show their wisdom through their status. Nothing ever becomes too personal, thus avoiding the whole emotional realm; too scary to display.

Ah! The complainers! FB is their place to show their dissatisfaction in many venues: political, life, TV shows, relational. The world should run a certain way only and they display the how. They could be the next candidate for president.

I believe an observer can do a whole psychological analysis on people by just reading statutes. The question is: How much of it is true? We all act differently when we know we are being observed, or in this case, read. Because we are not face to face it may be easier to be a bit more transparent or cry out for help. People complain about FB but they faithfully stay. Is FB adding some small element of companionship when life gets so busy that we just don’t see each other face to face that much?

I admit I do feel some connection when I hear about births, deaths, pro-life bills that passed, etc. through face book. It is almost like my news channel about people that I know. Some I know better than others; a few in my friends list I have no clue who they are. But FB friends we are. I think face book is good for introverts and extroverts as well for different reasons. I am by nature an introvert. I like people, just not too many at any one time. I do better one on one or small groups. I do fine with large groups as long as I am teaching something. So FB helps me to keep in touch at a comfortable pace.

For an extrovert, those with 300+ friends list, it is pure joy to hear, see, talk, and connect with as many people as possible in the virtual and the real world, for that moment. They forget you the minute you are not in their presence or in their page, but they come back as soon as they see you again.

There are the lurkers and the upfront facebookers. The lurkers navigate to statuses and ppl’s pages in the dark; never acknowledging their presence. So you know, there is an app now that one can find out who visits your page, so watch out! The up-fronters leave comments to everyone they visit as if they were sharing a virtual cup of tea.

Lastly, there is the dilemma of “Why hasn’t she/he accepted me as their friend? It’s been a week since I sent the request”. This opens a can of worms with emotions raging from neediness and rejection, all the way to anger, bargaining to finally acceptance. Then, it is the issue of “Why have they blocked me or removed me as their friend? What have I done to them? Have I said anything offensive? Oh, who needs them after all?”

After analyzing my take on FB with all its pros and cons I have decided that I like it as long as I keep it to my level of comfort and don’t make too much of it. I have found the best part of FB for me is to have been able to reunite with so many long lost old friends and family that it makes the rest worth it and fun. What is the best or worst part of FB for you? Well, I got to go now and check on you!


Helen Bratko and Kelly Near-Allen like this..

Silvia Lakoduk FYI, I have a bit of many of these traits.

December 11 at 1:25pm ·Sara Olson Did you write this? Interesting!

December 11 at 1:45pm ·Helen Bratko Cute article Silvia. I like hearing mundane things, except the ones that say "going to bed" or something equally uninteresting, ok who cares?
I don't take things personally on FB, but I can sometimes get envious of people going on exotic va...cations.
I LOVE FB and spend probably an hour a day on it. I love being in touch with friends and reading blogs.See More

December 11 at 1:55pm Sara Olson Yes, I love being able to stay in touch with all my friends all over the place. FB just makes me feel like we know what one another is doing even though we're all so far apart.

December 11 at 2:01pm .Silvia Lakoduk Thanks Helen, I agree. Sara, I wrote it and that is my favorite part of FB. I recently found someone I haven't heard from for about 35 years.

December 11 at 3:05pm  ·Helen Tsang Mundane things are fine with me, too. It's a way to stay in touch with your friends, letting them know the little bitty things in your life. I think your article pretty much sums up all the FB personalities.

December 12 at 1:34am .Silvia Lakoduk Helen, about ... 2, 3 years ago I wouldn't had seen a picture of your cake and cookies all the way from HK if we didn't have FB and blogs :) I am so glad I can follow parts of your life from the other side of the world. My kids think it's so funny I had to have a coin and find a public phone growing up.

December 12 at 9:20am .Silvia Lakoduk Another thing I should add about FB is the opportunity to pray for other's needs.

December 12 at 9:22am .Helen Tsang I agree. FB has made moving thousands of miles away bearable. It really is an amazing concept.

New Life

New life brings lots of happiness, expectations, responsibilities, as well as concerns and feelings of inadequacy. 

When Josiah was born seventeen years ago, I was tired.  I already had a 31/2 year old daughter and a two year old boy.  Josiah completed our family and proved himself capable of keeping up with our fast family pace.  He seemed to always be striving to keep up, even when it would have been alright to be slower due to his less time on this earth; but Josiah had this uncanny thrive to speed up with his siblings. 

He still does. Maybe because of being the third child, we felt more confident letting him try things sooner.  Or maybe because he proved himself trustworthy and able.  I love Josiah's heart.  He is solid, empathic, kind, loving, caring, and the list goes on. He is my baby and forever will be.

We picked his name from King Josiah in the Old Testament; he acts like a King sometimes, but Josiah was an upright King before the Lord and we prayed that our Josiah would be upright before his Lord.

We moved to Idaho when Josiah was 2 months old, so he didn't remeber California-although he is a native born at Kaiser Santa Teresa - and he used to think he was from Idaho.  Even though he was born in San
Jose, we lived in Marina, Monterey at the time. Long story. Josiah was 5 years old when we came back and settled in San Jose. He used to complain about not having snow in the winters, and not being able to go sledding a block away from our house. 

Josiah adapts beautifully to changes and doesn't complain. He is as loyal as they come and he is a very good judge of character. He senses the "feel" of a room and adapts accordingly. 

I pray God's best for Josiah. I pray his choices will match his Heavenly Father's choices. I pray for physical, emotional and spiritual health to Josiah forever.

I love you Josiah. 
Mom