I love mentors and mentorees. I believe I need both: to be a mentor to others and to be mentored by someone with more experience than me.
I spent two days at CCN -Christian Communications Network- being fully equipped for hours on end to a point of brain overload. I felt I needed to unplug my brain and reboot. Thank goodness for taking notes otherwise I would have lost all that information somewhere in the corners of my brain. Wait, there are no corners in the brain, are there?
Anyway, I believe Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend are one of the wisest people I have met. The reason I feel that way is because they are not threatened or afraid to deal with broken humanity. The cross is vertical and horizontal. I believe we replenish and receive from God and He uses others to help the healing process. "There is no healing in a vacuum." They are, as I am, big on Jesus with skin on. The power of small groups and community is imperative to heal from wounds.
Sometimes these doctors are sadly misunderstood because they don't say God in every sentence. But, in my humble opinion, they are way more Godly that many I hear religiously using the Lord's name to keep other's opinions quiet. After all, how can anyone question "The Lord told me so," and not sound heretic?
I appreciate their ability to acknowledge our humanity AND teaching us HOW to live life and hopefully conquer parts of it. I left refreshed and ready to minister to my groups and clients in a more complete, compassionate way than ever. It never ceases to amaze me how one can feel so different and fed by having been instructed by a true servant of the Lord.
I was able to give Dr. Cloud two of my Relaxation God's Way CDs, and he seemed eager to listen to them. If you ever get the Solutions DVDs from August 18 and 19 you may see me in the audience. Their address is http://www.ccn.tv/
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Lake Tahoe.
Nothing like a few days away to bring me back to feeling centered. As I move away from everyday life I feel as if my daily struggles move away with it. I love vacations mainly because I love even more coming back home. I like my house in its messiness and all. I enjoy returning with a new perspective in life, realizing that my thoughts are clearer and brighter, my outlook in life more peaceful.
Lake Tahoe was fun. The "kids" loved jet-skiing as Everett and I watched them from shore wondering when did they get so big.
Lake Tahoe was fun. The "kids" loved jet-skiing as Everett and I watched them from shore wondering when did they get so big.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
"Freedom of Speech"
I will not be able to sleep until I type the happenings of this day as they remain fresh in my mind.
I was parking my van and I bumped the car behind me; all of a sudden, this person sitting at an outdoor bar sees me and starts yelling at me. After I checked the car and saw that no damage was done, I realized it was not his car, so I went in my office, afraid of him yelling profanities at me. I called the police and after they arrived, to my dismay, they began treating me as I if was some kind of delinquent. I was trying to explain how threatened by this man yelling f.....n b.... several times at me, when, very matter of fact, the officer who supposedly was there to "serve and protect" me replied:"It's called freedom of speech." Meaning the profanities.
I still cannot swallow that statement. It will not go down no matter how many glasses of water I have already consumed. I felt violated, probably more by this officer of the law than the drunk who actually insulted me. I immediately lost respect for these two officers and in so many words I let them know it. To me "freedom of speech" has a much higher meaning. It brings thoughts of founding fathers, liberty, justice and the pursuit of happiness. Not anybody calling profanities at will and protected by our policemen. To me that is a total misuse of a phrase that should bring pride and joy. But that is that.
They let the profane drunk go, and here I am still upset. I could not press charges unless he verbally threatened me. Profanity does not count, of course.
Today I discovered a couple of things about myself: I did not like the fact that they were questioning my word. I am used to being believed, and these two officers were treating me as if I was hiding something. I rest my case that no damage was done when no report was even filed and the owner of the car finally said the car was fine. Still, the fact that they were acting as if they did not believe me was very unsettling to me. Second, from a mediation point of view, the officers did not validate my feelings, and it showed by my lack of cooperation. After some time going back and forth we were getting no where. I kept bringing them to the profanities and their uncaring way of bringing "freedom of speech." Finally, one of them said: "I don't' like it, but that's how the law is." Just by simply saying "I don't like it," it made me feel that I may be talking to a human being behind that uniform after all. I think after that I became a bit more open to cooperate. That was what I needed to hear.
The validation of feelings really made me realize what an important step it is and to make sure I allot enough time for my clients to express their feeling before any healing is possible. I learned I cannot hurry that step, the same way I cannot hurry venting. Those are two very important steps we were taught in mediation training, among others. The officers were constantly interrupting any venting and there was no validation. Hmm, I wonder who is training these cops in conflict resolution?
The point is I was able to feel in my own flesh how crucial and important these two steps really are. I am definitely going to be spending more time validating people's feelings. Sometimes that is all it takes to diffuse an argument: to feel understood. I know that was what I wanted. It makes me wonder if their mother or wife were ever insulted as I was, if they would have told them: It's called "freedom of speech." Somehow, I don't think so.
I was parking my van and I bumped the car behind me; all of a sudden, this person sitting at an outdoor bar sees me and starts yelling at me. After I checked the car and saw that no damage was done, I realized it was not his car, so I went in my office, afraid of him yelling profanities at me. I called the police and after they arrived, to my dismay, they began treating me as I if was some kind of delinquent. I was trying to explain how threatened by this man yelling f.....n b.... several times at me, when, very matter of fact, the officer who supposedly was there to "serve and protect" me replied:"It's called freedom of speech." Meaning the profanities.
I still cannot swallow that statement. It will not go down no matter how many glasses of water I have already consumed. I felt violated, probably more by this officer of the law than the drunk who actually insulted me. I immediately lost respect for these two officers and in so many words I let them know it. To me "freedom of speech" has a much higher meaning. It brings thoughts of founding fathers, liberty, justice and the pursuit of happiness. Not anybody calling profanities at will and protected by our policemen. To me that is a total misuse of a phrase that should bring pride and joy. But that is that.
They let the profane drunk go, and here I am still upset. I could not press charges unless he verbally threatened me. Profanity does not count, of course.
Today I discovered a couple of things about myself: I did not like the fact that they were questioning my word. I am used to being believed, and these two officers were treating me as if I was hiding something. I rest my case that no damage was done when no report was even filed and the owner of the car finally said the car was fine. Still, the fact that they were acting as if they did not believe me was very unsettling to me. Second, from a mediation point of view, the officers did not validate my feelings, and it showed by my lack of cooperation. After some time going back and forth we were getting no where. I kept bringing them to the profanities and their uncaring way of bringing "freedom of speech." Finally, one of them said: "I don't' like it, but that's how the law is." Just by simply saying "I don't like it," it made me feel that I may be talking to a human being behind that uniform after all. I think after that I became a bit more open to cooperate. That was what I needed to hear.
The validation of feelings really made me realize what an important step it is and to make sure I allot enough time for my clients to express their feeling before any healing is possible. I learned I cannot hurry that step, the same way I cannot hurry venting. Those are two very important steps we were taught in mediation training, among others. The officers were constantly interrupting any venting and there was no validation. Hmm, I wonder who is training these cops in conflict resolution?
The point is I was able to feel in my own flesh how crucial and important these two steps really are. I am definitely going to be spending more time validating people's feelings. Sometimes that is all it takes to diffuse an argument: to feel understood. I know that was what I wanted. It makes me wonder if their mother or wife were ever insulted as I was, if they would have told them: It's called "freedom of speech." Somehow, I don't think so.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thoughts on Birth.
I remember when I was pregnant with my first baby, Christa, I wanted to have a drug free experience at her birth. Everett and I joined this natural birthing class, and there we went learning the hee-hee-hoo, he-ho, heeeeeeee-hoooooooooo breathings depending on where I was in the labor intensity.
How fun it was pretending in my mind to have this baby; to prepare to, no matter what, have her without the aid of drugs. I would imagine myself happily breathing as I held my husband's hand and proudly enduring the pain of childbirth in a stoic and dignified portrait of womanhood.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The day came and as my contractions happened closer and closer, we headed to the Santa Teresa Kaiser hospital all the way from Monterey. That was the closest Kaiser at the time. My baby was in a hurry to be born and as Everett was speeding trying to get us there sooner than later, I began to realize that the pain with each contraction was becoming unbearable.
We were told that our first baby would be most likely coming to the world in a slow fashion, that we would have plenty of time to rest, eat and chat at the hospital. As the intensity of my pain got increasingly worse, I realized I had changed my mind and wanted as many drugs as possible.
After all, I was only in the beginning of my labor and it was already immeasurably painful. God wasn't kidding when He said it would be so in childbirth as part of the curse. I decided then and there that I couldn't take any stronger pain without screaming in a horror movie-like manner, and that I would politely request for pain medication as soon as I got to the hospital.
"What is taking soooo long???!!!!? I want to be there now!!!!"
"Almost there, hang on, let's do the breathing together...he-he-ho-heeee-hoooo- we are at the hospital!!"
My sweet hubby found a wheelchair for me and as the automatic doors opened I yelled as loud as I possibly could: "Drugggsssss, give me drugggsssss, anything you haveeeeeeeee, pleaseeeeeeeeee!!!!! I could almost feel Everett's big eyes behing me wondering what has gotten into "all naturelle" wifey, but this was my pain and I was done.
When the nurse was done checking me, she indicated that drugs were not an option because I was in transition and the baby was to be born right now, as they quickly wheeled me to the birthing room. Immediately my whole perception changed, my pain subsided the moment I realized this was as bad as it would get; not being at the beginning of labor as I thought I was, but at the very end. I braced myself to push and have this baby, the excitement of her soon coming blocking everything else.
The point I am trying to make is that as my perception of the situation changed so did my whole outlook. Same pain, however now bearable due to a change in my way of looking at it. Our thought process is highly dominated by our feelings and perceptions and by changing the way we think, we can change the way we feel.
By the way, after our sweet baby was born I informed Everett to enjoy her because she was the only child he was going to get (by me at least). Two boys later, I am glad I had all three drug free. What's childbirth without pain anyway?
How fun it was pretending in my mind to have this baby; to prepare to, no matter what, have her without the aid of drugs. I would imagine myself happily breathing as I held my husband's hand and proudly enduring the pain of childbirth in a stoic and dignified portrait of womanhood.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The day came and as my contractions happened closer and closer, we headed to the Santa Teresa Kaiser hospital all the way from Monterey. That was the closest Kaiser at the time. My baby was in a hurry to be born and as Everett was speeding trying to get us there sooner than later, I began to realize that the pain with each contraction was becoming unbearable.
We were told that our first baby would be most likely coming to the world in a slow fashion, that we would have plenty of time to rest, eat and chat at the hospital. As the intensity of my pain got increasingly worse, I realized I had changed my mind and wanted as many drugs as possible.
After all, I was only in the beginning of my labor and it was already immeasurably painful. God wasn't kidding when He said it would be so in childbirth as part of the curse. I decided then and there that I couldn't take any stronger pain without screaming in a horror movie-like manner, and that I would politely request for pain medication as soon as I got to the hospital.
"What is taking soooo long???!!!!? I want to be there now!!!!"
"Almost there, hang on, let's do the breathing together...he-he-ho-heeee-hoooo- we are at the hospital!!"
My sweet hubby found a wheelchair for me and as the automatic doors opened I yelled as loud as I possibly could: "Drugggsssss, give me drugggsssss, anything you haveeeeeeeee, pleaseeeeeeeeee!!!!! I could almost feel Everett's big eyes behing me wondering what has gotten into "all naturelle" wifey, but this was my pain and I was done.
When the nurse was done checking me, she indicated that drugs were not an option because I was in transition and the baby was to be born right now, as they quickly wheeled me to the birthing room. Immediately my whole perception changed, my pain subsided the moment I realized this was as bad as it would get; not being at the beginning of labor as I thought I was, but at the very end. I braced myself to push and have this baby, the excitement of her soon coming blocking everything else.
The point I am trying to make is that as my perception of the situation changed so did my whole outlook. Same pain, however now bearable due to a change in my way of looking at it. Our thought process is highly dominated by our feelings and perceptions and by changing the way we think, we can change the way we feel.
By the way, after our sweet baby was born I informed Everett to enjoy her because she was the only child he was going to get (by me at least). Two boys later, I am glad I had all three drug free. What's childbirth without pain anyway?
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The Element of Time.
As I sit at my familial kitchen table with my computer in front of me, surrounded by lots of books, bills to be paid, laundry to be folded and the list goes on, I realize I am blessed. I have been alive long enough
to know that contentment is possible largely due to the element of time.
I had a young wife explain to me all her disappointments about her marriage, of the things that were not present in their relationship; her heart was in the right place but her expectations were unrealistic because she hadn't had enough time to put her marriage to the test of time.
How would one know that a husband would give his life for his family or a wife would care for her ill husband when not enough time had passed.? The element of time is present on our day to day walk and choices. The bubbly passion of the first year continues to mature year after year, decade after decade, until one day one realizes that working with life, not against it, accepting one's lot in life regardless of it being good or bad is what brings peace and contentment to one's heart.
I have had a hard life when compared to someone raised in this beautiful country that has not experienced death at an early age or had not had strong financial difficulties. And I believe that because of my experiences I have come to accept life for what it is, content with the outcome and through the passing of time, I have learned that most of my frets never came to pass, that by worrying sick I wouldn't change the future, that when I look back I can see His hand in my life and I can trust Him. I learned to do my part in any situation and truly let go of what I could not change. Most importantly, I learned that by prayer and supplication, thanking God, I would truly receive His peace that surpasses all understanding.
to know that contentment is possible largely due to the element of time.I had a young wife explain to me all her disappointments about her marriage, of the things that were not present in their relationship; her heart was in the right place but her expectations were unrealistic because she hadn't had enough time to put her marriage to the test of time.
How would one know that a husband would give his life for his family or a wife would care for her ill husband when not enough time had passed.? The element of time is present on our day to day walk and choices. The bubbly passion of the first year continues to mature year after year, decade after decade, until one day one realizes that working with life, not against it, accepting one's lot in life regardless of it being good or bad is what brings peace and contentment to one's heart.
I have had a hard life when compared to someone raised in this beautiful country that has not experienced death at an early age or had not had strong financial difficulties. And I believe that because of my experiences I have come to accept life for what it is, content with the outcome and through the passing of time, I have learned that most of my frets never came to pass, that by worrying sick I wouldn't change the future, that when I look back I can see His hand in my life and I can trust Him. I learned to do my part in any situation and truly let go of what I could not change. Most importantly, I learned that by prayer and supplication, thanking God, I would truly receive His peace that surpasses all understanding.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Cultivating Mindfulness
As I go through my day I periodically remind myself about cultivating mindfulness. I came to love the sound of those words and what they do for me. This is what I mean when I say "Cultivating Mindfulness:"
It is being in the present, moment by moment without trying to change it. Having a compassionate attitude toward oneself and others is part of mindfulness. Mindfulness can change the way one deals with fear and pain. As our practice gets better, we can learn to relax and stay present even when fear and pain move through the moment. It reminds me of "Be still and know that I am God." Through practice I am able to appreciate what I am doing now, allowing me to be physically and emotionally present with others and my surroundings. As I continue to be more aware, the natural consequence brings me to gratitude.
Having a grateful, thankful heart is one of the best antidotes for anxiety, fear, regret, envy, jealousy and the list goes on. One can't be thankful and envious at the same time. The same is true for anxiety and relaxation, is either one or the other. Thankfulness brings us closer to contentment. Our countenance reflects which one rules over us and sets the tone of our homes, our spouses and our children.
Journaling about the blessings in our lives, being aware of the things that bring gratitude and thankfulness to our heart will bring peace to our mind. "Be still and know that I am God." "Give thanks with a grateful heart, give thanks unto the Holy one, give thanks because He gave us Jesus Christ, His son."
Next time I have a pity party or I am envious about something I will remind myself to read my own post.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Rats and Anxiety.
I feel good when I tackle something and get it done. There is a sense of accomplishment when I learn something new and apply it. It gives me a feeling of control; like I am conquering and stretching my horizons.
Rats feel the same way. A study that was done a while ago, had anxiety induced rats housed separately. To make them anxious, they were given a small electric shock at different times, randomly. The poor rats were anxious most of the time because they never knew when and where this pain was coming from.
A few days later, a lever was added to one of the cages, and, in time, accidentally at first, whenever the rat pushed the lever, the shock would stop immediately. As the rodents began to internalize this knowledge, as soon as the first indication of a shock would start, they push the lever and the shock would stop on the spot. Their anxiety diminished tremendously, and happy rats were playing again.
Lastly, they placed the rats in another cage with a lever they could push at will, but it did nothing to stop the electric shock. The shock would stop on its own regardless of the action of pushing the lever or not. The result: the rats were happy and anxiety free.
This is just to say that when we (and rats) feel that we have a certain amount of control over a situation, even thought it is not doing anything to fix it, we feel less stressed. That small amount of control and power helps us reduce some of the cortisol production. Helplessness and hopelessness are one of the big stress producers. We as Christians have a double lever to our disposal, our intellect to apply truth to the stressful situation at hand, and a God that is bigger than any hopelessness we may have.
Rats feel the same way. A study that was done a while ago, had anxiety induced rats housed separately. To make them anxious, they were given a small electric shock at different times, randomly. The poor rats were anxious most of the time because they never knew when and where this pain was coming from.
A few days later, a lever was added to one of the cages, and, in time, accidentally at first, whenever the rat pushed the lever, the shock would stop immediately. As the rodents began to internalize this knowledge, as soon as the first indication of a shock would start, they push the lever and the shock would stop on the spot. Their anxiety diminished tremendously, and happy rats were playing again.
Lastly, they placed the rats in another cage with a lever they could push at will, but it did nothing to stop the electric shock. The shock would stop on its own regardless of the action of pushing the lever or not. The result: the rats were happy and anxiety free.
This is just to say that when we (and rats) feel that we have a certain amount of control over a situation, even thought it is not doing anything to fix it, we feel less stressed. That small amount of control and power helps us reduce some of the cortisol production. Helplessness and hopelessness are one of the big stress producers. We as Christians have a double lever to our disposal, our intellect to apply truth to the stressful situation at hand, and a God that is bigger than any hopelessness we may have.
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